If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?

… was the statement uttered previously. “I’ll show them,” was what I muttered to myself as I racked my brain for the best way to express myself via marital vows to my lovely Summer Wheat Ale. I’ve talked a lot of shit on this blog about lambasting the ignorant, the obese, and American Idol (does anyone know if Reuben Stoddard is ignorant? I know he's an American Idol and obese but I want to know if he completes the tri-fecta). I’m not as negative as most of my blogs depict. I would like to touch on some items that, for lack of a less crude euphemism, “make my clam quiver (sorry Juggs, couldn’t resist :))”. In no particular order, I presenteth to you RMAURTIGTTNSI's "Stuff That Blows My Asshole Out"

Warning: This blog is very lenghty. It is the "blue steele" of blogs. I actually probably shouldn't talking about it. To appease the conservatives and to maintain the blogs journalist integrity, I've decide to give each blog a "belligerence barometer." Today we are dealing with a level 9. This posts daily forecast is heavy in sexual suggestion with a chance of blasphemy.

Led Zeppelin – My friends are always telling me about how great the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and Miley Cyrus are. But at the end of the day, they all bow in inferiority to the almighty Led Zeppelin.

A quick recap; LZ sold over 300 million records worldwide, has the most requested FM song “Stairway to Heaven,” and isn’t entrenched in an embarrassing death-knell cleverly disguised as a lucrative world tour (Rolling Stones).

Most casual FM listeners, I suppose now more accurately usurped by XM, are familiar with Zeppelin’s tried-and-true radio classics such as “Heartbreaker,” “Black Dog,” “The Ocean.” I challenge this alleged “casual listener” to delve deeper into the music breadth that is the Led Zeppelin catalog. Originally slated as a heavy metal group, Zeppelin has something for everybody . Here are some of my favorite off-the-beaten-path tunes by LZ.

“Since I’ve Been Loving You” – “The Rain Song” – “In My Time of Dying” – “I Can’t Quit You Babe” – “Thank You” – “Your Time is Gonna Come”

Is it me or does Jimmy Page look as though he has been injected with old man Asian genes?

How Fucked Up Other People Are – So you are probably thinking to yourself, “Hey Garrett, it has to be pretty cold atop your ivory tower this time of year.” It’s true that the winds are quite brisk but I’m not talking about normal everyday dysfunction such as eating disorders, schizophrenia or erectile dysfunction. I’m talking about severe lack of common sense. (Is it me or does it seem that Jerry Springer has passed on the proverbial reigns of the dysfunction sleigh to Dr. Phil?). In an effort to “keep up with the Jones’, people have procured bloated mortgages for Mcman$$ions that they could barely afford during times of prosper. Is it a sign that we are heading toward bad times when Ed McMann, the fellow who made a living handing out million dollar Publisher's Clearing House checks, may now file for bankruptcy?

In a related story, Webster's dictionary is now revising it's definition of the word "irony." Now a slight pinch in finance has lead these people to throw their arms up and start blaming the lending institutions that forced them to take out these mammoth loans (http://www.angryrenter.com/). I guess the sick satisfaction that I derive comes from the judgmental stares I’ve taken over the years because rigs that I drove, while being bought and paid for with cash, weren’t new and shiny, and most likely spotted immobile on the side of the road.

I feel it’s worth mentioning that our quality of life in majority supersedes that of the earth's other 6 billion inhabitants. Yeah, I know fellow American’s, believe it or not there are other people on this planet besides ourselves. Ok, so gas will become 5 dollars a gallon. Big deal. We’ve enjoyed many years of inexpensive fuel. Some of us will have to use public transportation or, gasp, getting off our collective fat ass to ride a bike. Maybe you will have to make a small sacrifice. Maybe your Ford Expedition, bought on credit most likely, may have been a slight over kill for a baby seat. Or maybe you’ll have to go without your morning grande latte. It could be worse; you could have had a rotten day, year, or possibly life that lead up to this:

I believe this sums it up best

“You are not your bank account
You are not the clothes you wear
You are not the contents of your wallet
You are not your bowel cancer
You are not your grande late
You are not the car your drive
You are not your fucking khakis”

- Tyler Durden “Fight Club”

My Old 1980 BMW 320i – I lusted after that that rig like a priest lusts after 12-year-old boys. Nice curves, quiet when it needed to be and loud when you really laid into it.

Good Friends - I always feel at home with my boys (and girls) when I can be myself sans self-induced censorship. Anytime I can start a sentence with "So I'm balls deep in this girl and ..."without raising eyebrow's from the present company, I know I'm amongst solid folks.

Good friends also help you out in a pinch. I'm talking about the friends you would call and say the following; "Hey, the warden says I've got 45 seconds. I'm in Tijuana, in jail, and potentially have chlamydia. I need your help." Without hesitation, or questioning, they respond, "I'll be there."

Playboy – And now for the perfunctory smart-ass quip, “So let me guess, you read it for the articles?” Yeah, Dickhead I do. More often than not, it’s the bible thumper or just the plain ill-educated that passes judgment of such. I wouldn’t expect anything less . Isn’t that what organized religion is all about?

“(Insert name here) wasn’t in church on Sunday, I’ve been here 25 straight weeks, therefore I’m a better devotee/follower/minion/indentured servant/sheeple.” That’s where it starts and ends for me.

But I digress. Nothing makes me happier then opening up the mailbox and seeing that glossy black bag starting right back into my sinful eyes. For those of you who haven’t read an issue before passing judgment, Playboy happens to be a very well written publication that just so happens to have naked women in it. Without equivocation my two favorite sections are “Raw Data” and “The Advisor.” If you ever had a bad day and wanted to feel “normal,” look no further than “The Advisor.”

“A reader asked in February if there was a way to make his girlfriend’s nipples larger. You said no; he must “play what’s dealt.” That is incorrect. I have used nipple suction for more than two years, and the suction cups do enlarge nipples. Start slow with 15-minute session twice a week. Now I can go three hours. When the cups are removed, touching my enlarged nipples cause exquisite pleasure.”

- J.L., Pomona, California

Some women say that it sets unrealistic expectations because the centerfolds list themselves as 110 or 115 pounds. This is obviously a farce because no one, well at least no one in this country, has weighed 110 pounds since the 7^th grade.

Then there is the question about whether or not it is pornography. A female friend of mine said that Playboy is hard-core porn because she "saw a picture of a girl sticking a finger inside of herself." I've been a subscriber for many years and, with zero hesitation none the less, can say I have never seen a woman finger bang herself. Would some long time readers step forth and back me up?

“The Nature Piss” – In my preliminary research for my move to Asia, I wasn’t concerned about the language barrier or the exposure to different foods, it was the knowledge that taking a nature piss in populous dense Asia would most likely result in a golden shower to an unlikely pedestrian and/or possible imprisonment. For you urbanites or women folk not in the know, a nature piss is when you have to micturate but don’t really want to go through all of the labor of waddling to the toilet and lifting up the seat. Not only that but you have to contend with the aim issue. Instead, you make your way to the front door of your house, trailer, Super 8, or Pinto (essentially where you woke up from the night before), drop trow (extra points if the bottom of your butt cheeks are visible) and let loose a steady stream of urine.

Imagine this if you will. It’s early in the morning, say 9:30. You roll out of bed and lumber your way leisurely out to the deck lightly clad in only your panties. A fresh blanket of snow envelops the earth where grass was displayed prominently only hours before. The harsh snarl of the lowly tempered morning air reminds you that winter is in no hurry to make a hasty exodus. There you stand, alone, completely unbridled by the stresses of your modern day life. As you spew forth a robust stream of urine, you appreciate the way the steam dances off of it and eventually makes its way into the atmosphere. The stealthy Chinook winds remind you of its capable power by gingerly tickling your testicles …..

Now doesn’t that sound nice?

Pornography - Right now I'm really into Asian porn but I have been testing the German porn waters. I love the extra attention the producers pay towards story line, character development and scene transitions.

Satisfying Bowel Movement - I'm not sure if this one is because I am getting older, or because of my ultra sensitivity when it comes to low fiber or diminished hydration, but laboring to drop a deuce has to be one of the more humbling experiences a human can endure. After eating cheese and bread for a week in France, I've determined Ed Hilary has nothing on me. Of course, quality of boom-booms are very subjective and very personal.

I don't like to wait on a shit. I feel it impedes the progress of my day. To me, there are few things finer than waking up in the morning, dropping trow, and releasing forth the previous evenings' supper. A slight sweat is desirable because I feel it gets the endorphins pumping and prepares me for the rigors that are every day living. However, one of the worlds all time lows would be having "mud-butt" and having to run towards a shitter. It's worry, terror, and panic all rolled into one. So basically the 2008 Presidential Election.

Internet – In a dollar-to-minute comparison, there is no better time wasting endeavor than the Internet. For instance, I think there are few things finer than a woman with a German accent. On the other hand, I have an insatiable thirst for well-crafted pornography. Now where else could I get that, not only on a weekday, but within an hour?

Wikipedia is proof that God wants me to spend the rest of my life in front of a computer screen. Not only does it squelch my insatiable hunger for information about remote islands, it’s very good at settling bets. For instance, before Wikipedia, what did people do if they needed to know immediately how many "movies" Linda Lovelace was in?

Aside from that, I suppose the Internet is used for more productive activities such as online gambling and perusing Craiglist’s “Casual Encounters” section. If it weren’t for the Internet, you wouldn’t be reading this blog! Even if this blog isn’t worth the discs the 1’s and 0’s it’s magnetically stored on.

Hockey – I love everything about it. I love taking a wrister from the top of the circle and banking it in off the post. I love watching someone else taking a wrister from the top of the circle and banking it in off the post. I will even go as far as liking someone talking about hearing about someone else taking a wrister from the top of the circle and banking it in off the post. There isn’t another sport on this planet that combines the athleticism, toughness and intensity that Hockey brings to the table. Most people’s favorite day of the year is something stupid like Thanksgiving, Easter or Christmas. For me, however, it doesn’t get any better than the open day of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. As far as sounds go, besides the sound of my own voice of course, there is nothing more beautiful than the sound of a puck hitting a goal post.

Beer –Unless you are a brew master, but probability points more towards raging alcoholic than anything, you probably weren’t aware of the fact that beer only became recently hopped within the last 500 years. The British hopped the beer before the journey to the colonies because of its preservation qualities. Perhaps the Brits should have brought a tube of toothpaste in an effort to preserve their teeth. Anyways, besides its fascinating origin, beer is so much more than a great babysitter. It’s a social lubricator and a poor-decision enabler.

Ghohn's Top Beers
1. Chimay Trappist Ale (Belgium)
2. Westmalle Dubbel Ale (Belgium)
3. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (California)
4. Big Sky's Summer Honey (Montana)
5. Henry Winehards Summer Wheat Ale (Portland)
6. Kona's Pipeline Porter (Kona, HI, unless you're on the mainland then it's Woodinville, WA)
7. Great Northern's Wild Huckleberry Wheat Lager - (Montana)
8. Widmer Hefeweizen (Portland)

If you’re sick of beer at the moment, I’d recommend trying a Manhattan.

New Pair of Socks – They smell so good and are so soft.

Beach Volleyball - There were long nights when I'd look around thinking, am I really doing this.? Am I really here, as I looked around the court taking in the bevy of sights that were sand below my feet, ocean to my right and hot bikini-clad ass every which way. We'd play ball until the wee hours. Well, we played ball until they shut off the lights at 9 p.m, which in Maui, constitutes the wee hours. I forged many a friendship on those courts; and after watching my father play, realized I would be able to play volleyball poorly well into my 40's.

Not Working - It's fantastic. I'd recommend everyone try it at least once in their life for an extended period of time.

Mexican Food - I don't understand why Mexicas are jumping over the border to get to American. They have the best food!!! All we have is hot dogs, mac and cheese and Crisco. The following is a list of the most amazing Mexican I have had; (from most amazing to lesser amazingness)

1. El Diablo Taco (Missoula, MT) - Fish Burrito con Gorgonzola y Cilantro!

2. Costa Vida (only a few location but I "popped my cherry" at the Boise, ID location) - Sweet Pork Enchilladas

3. Taco Del Sol (Missoula, MT + Kalispell, MT) - Fish Taco or Burrito, though they have raised their prices considerably since "back in the day."

4. Cha! Cha! Cha!, Portland, OR - Consistantly tried and true and all for 4.50!

Assholes getting whats coming to them.