Saturday, February 3, 2007

Rediculousness knows no bounds - Chasing that dollar one maladjusted individual at a time.

A recent craigslist ad I placed

Me: 26 year-old in great physical shape looking to supplement otherwise paltry entry level salary by preforming minuscule tasks with shirt off for exorbitant per hour compensation.

You: Wealthy, preferably female, with proclivity towards life's' finer endeavors. You most likely have more time and money on your hands then you know what to do with and would rather not be bothered by trivial matters such as pool up keep. Residence in Mckenna or Wailea a must. Multimillion dollar estates in Kula and upcountry also considered for right price.

Lets face it, you are a wealthy business women and you deserve the best that money can buy. That strapping young burro you brought back with you some 20 years ago bares little or no resemblance to that hot Latino lover you imported from Guadalajara during Reagan's first term. Prolonged sun exposure, an insatiable work ethic coupled with an American diet has transformed your beautiful Eric Estrada into a very haggard Luis Guzman. You've upgraded your wardrobe from Kathy Ireland to Louis Vuitton, your automobile from a Camry to a BMW and even your basic cable to Digital expanded with Showtime. Isn't it about time to treat yourself to an aesthetically pleasing Pool Boy?

Ladies, I could give you some BS about how I am cheaper then your run of the mill repair guys but I won't. In all actuality I will cost significantly more and complain about how there isn't enough Tequila in my margarita. Or my weight set strategically positioned in front of the pool doesn't have enough 45 pound plates. Truth be told, I can't fix an irrigation system to save my life. But if you want a top notch peace of eye candy look no further. My skills extend well beyond cleaning pools. Read on sugar mamma, read on.

I can be used helped to defray the cost of your otherwise on-call therapist. Normally, when you enter crisis mode, you speed dial your therapist for a very pricey house call. Now I may not be a Ph.d nor do I have a bachelor's in Physchology (I did however pass Psych 101 with flying colors) I can listen to your problems with the best of them. Not only am I better looking then Dr. Phil, but you won't want to kill yourself after talking to me. Did your bastard ex-husband intentionally take a pay cut which consequently cut your alimony from a very comfortable 20k monthly down to a stingy 18.5? Why don't we make a few dry martini's and talk about it?

Feel overwhelmed or continually bridled by the social constraints high-stress living brings upon you? Do you want to let loose at the look dive-bar and get blitzkrieg drunk all the while leaving your high-brow roots and problems behind while blending seamless amongst the credence? Fantastic! I'll play the part. You bring the quarters and singles and I will pick you up in my barely running, non registered car. From there we will shotgun beers in transit, talk about what we would if we won the lottery (that's what us poor people do you know) and take partial solace in the fact that we still have our health.

Or are you seeking an intellectual equivalent to talk foreign policy and stem cell research with over a high priced dinner (your treat of course)? Not a problem madam. Pick me in your 325i and supply my required wardrobe (16.5 neck and 32 inch waist). What is better then dinner for two on a Friday night whilst sipping an oak-barrel aged Pinot from Northern France? Nothing. Well besides having the guarantee that the person who is with you will laugh heartily at your every joke. Whomever said money can't by you happiness was full of it. Even if money can't by you happiness it can still buy you friends, self esteem and a not-guilty verdict (OJ, what :)?)

Have you been dreading going stag to that high-end corporate dinner? Want to show up that snotty, overachieving hag that cooperate calls a "top-preformer?" Imagine the envy you will induce when you roll in with some hot man meat on your arm. Yes, you may need regular counseling sessions and cry whenever you hear your ex-husbands name but that will all be forgotten when you you strut in with a man half of your age.

Now retirees or widows don't think that I have excluded you. As I have heard, retired life can be quite difficult. Between driving slowly, filling prescriptions and attending funerals of friends, life can be quite hectic and depressing. Why not spend your golden years, or year depending on how pessimistic you are, pissing away Juniors inheritance on booze, buffet's and me? Not only do I enjoy Manhattan's, I consider myself a very accomplished cribbage player. Think of me as hospice care, minus the hospice.

If this matching what you are looking for in a pool boy, and I am sure that it does, please contact me a.s.a.p. Availability will certainly be limited, as I only have enough stamina to look sexy and clean a certain amount of pools.