Saturday, August 25, 2007

Ghohn’s top 21 reasons why I am sad to leave the Aina’ (and why being on the mainland sucks)

21. Because only in Hawaii is board shorts and "slippahs" appropriate dining attire

20. Because inevitably some derelict will ask you on the mainland if you have met "DOG"

19. Nearly throwing my arm out of socket while playing dodge ball trying to make twelve year old boys cry all the while getting paid

18. Making twelve year old boys cry

17. Watching a NHL game on live TV in Hawaii at 6am makes you feel like you're in a different universe and that you are doing something borderline illegal

16. The price of gas (3.75 gal) is not a concern because I only filled up once a month

15. Beach volleyball/Hot tub sesh's

14. I feel cheated because the only celebrity, b-list at best, I saw the whole time I was living on Maui was Sean from "Boy Meets World."

13. I realize I am ATLEAST 600 miles away from wasabi ahi poke'

12. Making fun of sunburned tourists wearing rediculous aloha shirts w/ socks and sandals.

11. Making fun of walking 50 year old case studies that show why excessive and prolonged sun exposure is a bad, bad thing

10. Saying "ho brah'" to address white friends always gets a laugh

9. Annoying the shit out of Phil and Colette with my weak ass, and at times excessive, pidgin. "Ho brah' you like one beef dakine?"

8. Because "piece-of-shit car" isn't nearly as exotic sounding as "Maui Cruza"

7. Trying, and consequently failing miserably, to drop the word "dakine" in conversation without getting called out

6. Small Asian children are funny looking and make me laugh

5. I am "Uncle" to small children here

4. Because I know December through March are going to suck

3. Mac salad doesn't taste near as good anywhere else

2. Drinking beers whilst watching amazing Maui sunsets

And the number one reason is ......

1. Shamelessly eye-fucking-the-shit out of every 14 to 40 year old wearing a bikini! [waa-wah]

Ghohn's top 20 reason's why I'm stoked to be on the mainland

20. Won't feel like god hates me anymore because he didn't answer my snow request prayers while I was on Maui.

19. No more fart-like cane burning stench

18. Never again having to be the victim of the small print "not available in Hawaii or Alaska"

17. Have yet to encounter in Montana that nasty sweat/seaweed/homeless person/garbage stench that accompanies heavy wind and low tide

16. It has never been hot enough for me to sweat while supervising other people exercising

15. The adrenaline rush from driving over 45mph nearly made my head explode

14. Not having to stop every eight and a half feet to let another fat, sunburned tourist cross the road

13. Never have to be referred as "haole bitch" again

12. It's nice to remember what "cold" feels like

11. Because being a minority sucks (I feel like I owe an apology to several different races. [Insert your "I told you so's] here)

10. Because is an amazingly useful resource anywhere besides Hawaii

9. If you call someone on the mainland and you are having a shitty day the first thing out of their mouth is, "but you live in paradise …"

8. Two words: Ice Hockey bitches

7. Being able to afford to start eating bread, milk, and cheese again.

6. My parents will never hear the word's "your son has been found dead in a cane field"

5. Being able to afford to drink at a bar outside the hours of 3 – 6 pm.

4. Slowly building up self esteem lost because large Somoan women make me feel like less of a man

3. Getting beat down by group of Amish is never a concern in Montana, getting beat down by groups of brown men in Hawaii is always a concern

2. Because you will never see something as ridiculous as "humuhumunukunukuapuaa" on a menu

And the number one reason is ................

1. It's nice not having a sweat ring on the car seat where my balls only rested moments before [rimshot]

Monday, August 13, 2007

I feel like everyone on this island is taking crazy pills. By "crazy pills" I mean NOT viagra!

A craiglist post I submitted in the "Rants & Raves" section.

"Fucking crazies at Pacific Shores Condominiums"

So when we moved in here everyone said the "B" building was the old person building and that nothing ever happened out of the norm. I don't know if it was a crazy lunar phase or just an influx of crazy-ass haole's but shit has become weird/violent within the last month. (I am white myself but not crazy although I have this theory about us white folk and extended periods of time on small islands. The only crazy people I have met on this island are white or ice heads, usually both.

First incident: Unemployed-video-game-addict/idiot, possibly drug crazed (oh, I'm leaning towards PCP on this one) thinks every passer-by is peering into his apartment. Nearly gets his ass destroyed when he confronts one passer by who is substantially bigger, more sober and less then amused by crazy's caustic demeanor. "Don't fucking look in my apartment, i'm sick of people looking in my apartment," was the line he kept yelling over and over. I'm not smart enough to cure cancer but if you think people are looking into your apt, CLOSE YOUR FUCKING DOOR! Close your door anyways! I'm sick of hearing your gansta' rap, domestic disputes, and Mario Brothers video game theme music!

Second incident: Crazy elderly bat bitches me out because she thinks my girlfriends 12-pound Chinese Pug is going to tear her Pomeranian, yes also a drop-kick dog, eyes out of its head. She kept spouting on and on about it. Broken fucking record. Listen lady, dogs play, they sniff asses, and if your lucky enough, they hump your leg. That's kinda what they do and the chances of having fluffy's eyes poked out of her tiny skull are about the same as you ever becoming normal. Ahh! I can't wait to be retired so I can meddle in other people business and save 10% at Denny's. This lady also threatened to call the association on me cause I was working on my pedal bike on the side walk. I know what you are thinking, "bitching and being a pain-in-the-ass retiree doesn't make someone crazy." Your right. While it does make you an AARP member, it doesn't make you crazy. What makes this lady crazy is she carries her dog in a baby stroller!!! WTF!?!? * Editor's note: Crazy old bat does herself one better - she now carries drop kick dog in one of those chest baby carriers!

Third incident: Lady and pop/soda machine get into it - lady loses. Don't get me wrong, when I want a 7up for a little 7&7 I want it bad! But it has never lead me to physically assail a pop machine or call it words only reserved for the most special of occasions (ballsack, cock-ass, fuck-tard, cuntrag). A bunch of swearing and insolent threats later the police show up and take loony tunes away. It's one thing to get pissed off and say a few words for therapy's sake but it's quite another to stay there long enough to get hauled into the clink.

Fourth incident: Blood curdling scream from 4th floor leads to more geriatric excitement. I don't know what lead to this little gem, perhaps they changed the airtime on Matlock, but Jesus H Christ. Three police officers show up to handle Ms. Daisy's episode. Actually it took more then 3 police to whisk away grandma. Three EMT's showed up with a special rolling chair w/ built in crazy pads. It was the first time I had seen someone in their 80's in handcuffs, well besides Jack Kavorkian. * Jack Kavorkian, or "Dr. Death" as the media enjoyed frequently sensationalized him as did many great things in his life. Besides a widely published hunger strike (think Nicole Richie minus the politcal statement), Jack "put down," some 130 elderly folk. Praise Jesus. Finally, someone is doing their part to cut down of the amount of old people aimlessly meandering around this planet. If any of us young folk want to see any social security money ... well, we know what we need to do.

Fifth incident: Skinny as shit hippy looking character is sitting on the sidewalk late at night. Being the friendly lad I am I stick around and stir conversation. Boy am I glad I did because I now know why my car has a tinge of the every so deaded cat piss aroma. Turns out this crazy bitch is feeding the feral cats on the island. She sits out in the parking lot, brings out food and then the cats come to her. Anyone that has given any animal, young children and the homeless included, knows that if you give something food, it will come back! She mentions to me that it might be a good idea to close my car windows as the cats will jump in, hang out there for the night and then bolt in the morning. I refuse to roll up my windows. That is one of the primary advantages to driving a shit car and I 'll be damned if I let her take that constituional right from me. Instead, i'll put some rat poisen in my car but this will be a brilliant idea I keep to myself.

Now for the the analysis. Am I now noticing how crazy people are because I am recently unemployed and now have a first row seat to "As Pacific Shores Turn?" Are other condo's like this? Everyone knows that white people make up the best serial killers and pedophiles (or maybe the worst depending on how you look at it. Do the "good ones" not get caught?) but have we now conquered the realm of general craziness?

Concerned and confused,
One normal white guy

It's worth noting that 4/5 of these people were women