Monday, April 28, 2008

Sex, Songs, and Self-Indulgence

Did you know that Britney Spears has a "Best of" album? Best of what is my question? Best of mediocre pop-rock manufactured by a bunch of money grubbing writers poised on destroying the landscape of music for years to come figure headed by the flavor of the year? Perhaps. Best of artistic integrity? Probably not.

The way I see it there are two camps of people. The people that truly feel sorry for Britney are the fans who were really into Britney 10 years ago when she was popular. Then there is the other camp of men that really just wanted to GET INTO Britney 10 years ago. I reside in the latter. Which brings me to celebrities that shouldn't be celebrities and then they have the balls to bitch about being followed around. No one feigns sadness or crisis better than a rich celebutant ... or maybe Susan Smith (

If you don't want people to follow you, be incredibly boring. That's what I do. Just go get a coffee with a friend and not say anything to the paparazzi. Oh, and another thing I heard that helps is to, STOP FLASHING YOUR VAGINA (that last sentence becomes even more funny if you imagine Norm MacDonald saying it). Any woman that tells you that "shooting the beaver" was an accident is lying to you. I know digital photography technology has come a long way since the "bulb camera" era but ladies, unless you want your girly parts captured on the timeless treasure that is digital media, you might want to consider undies or, at the very least, discretion. You'd have to figure that knowing that your vagina runs the risk of being on the front page of your Time magazine obituary in 2056 under the heading "Thanks for the good times Britney!" would be all the reason you'd need to keep er' covered. The only time I inadvertently exposed myself was at a "no clothing" party. I was wearing a series of strategically duct taped Depends diapers (several hours later when I removed the duct tape, I was on the business end of a free, and painful, bikini wax). At one point in the party, a fellow attendee alerted my buddy "The Prof" that my genitals were exposed. I quickly took care of the situation with little to no fanfare. Anyways, my point is every other time I exposed my dong it was very intentional and I knew exactly what I was doing.

Anyways, I remember hearing the song "Hey Ya" by Outkast at that party. It's funny how certain songs can evoke feelings and emotions and conjure up indelible memories of yesteryear. My fondness for "Hey Ya" has waned only slightly over the years but I still enjoy it immensely. I've compiled a list of songs that I've loved for a long time; each one brings me back to a certain time in my life. I'm not talking about song of the week or month. I'm talking about one that you've heard a thousand times and every time you listen to it again, you find something new. You might even think to yourself "man, I wish I would have written that song. Take for instance today. I'm limbering up getting ready to throw some iron around and the fifth song of my "Let's Get HUGE: Best of 2004 Workout Jam's " comes at me like a freight train through my 10 watt speakers. "This shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S." I'm pumped up and ready but I'm also writhing with molten rage. I'm just mad I didn't think of it first!

But seriously. Even our most favorite songs we sometimes need a brief sabbatical from. I guess a good song you always come back to no matter how long the break, and after the hiatus, you might even appreciate it more. This is a list of songs that I feel that way about (They aren't numbered in any particular order):

1. Travis Tritt - "Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Care's)" - I love the fact that it is giant "Fuck-You" conveniently packaged in a two-minute and thirty-two second radio-friendly package. It's the workin' man's send-off to his second-ex wife. Younger reader's might be confused as to the significance of a quarter and a phone call. I can hear them now, "why wouldn't you just text them a message like "fck u ahole btw cu in scool tomorrow?" See children, a quarter used to be able to buy you something such as a jaw-breaker, a condom that didn't meet number #5 quality control, and in this case, a phone call from a pay phone.

2. Pocrupine Tree - "Trains" - Simply amazing.

3. Tool - "Stinkfist" - This isn't your typical metal angst. This song is heavy whilst being incredibly fleet of foot. Much like Chris Farley was.

4. Radiohead - "Fake Plastic Tree's" - Word around the campfire is that Thom York nailed this song on the second vocal take. What isn't widely known is that he apparently collapsed to his knees and began to weep uncontrollably. Passion or chemical imbalance? You decide.

5. Led Zeppelin - "Stairway to Heaven" - Page said that plant wrote most of the lyrics in about 10 minutes. Most requested song in FM history. I'm going to use deductive reasoning and make the assertion that other people like it too.

6. Andy McKee "Rylynn" & Nickel Creek "Smoothie Song" - Both songs say so much without saying anything at all.

7. Chet Baker "Autumn Leaves" - Here's another instrumental to add to the list. A lot of people have covered this tune but no one owns it like CB. It seems that a lot of jazz is just a mix of musicians trying to play as many notes as possible all the while playing over top the person standing next to them. This song is the antithesis of that. Each note seems hand-picked and meticulously scrutinized for purity and integral purpose. The percussion in this track is second to none.

8. Garth Brooks -"Friends in Low Place" - Makes you want to get blazing drunk, stumble into a dive bar and take home the first women that shows the slightest interest in you. Basically it solicits all the hidden desires within us all that a well-crafted song should.

9. Alice in Chains "Man in the Box" & Soundgarden "Outshined" - Both songs feature meaty riffs, but aside from that, are timeless recordings if only for the throat wrenching howls captured. You can enjoy Lane Staley's bellows every chorus with touching lines as "Jeyaaaaaa-sus Chrrrrist, deny your maker, hheeeeeee who tries will be wasted" but a scream like Cornell's only comes once in a lifetime. Luckily for us, it just so happened to have been captured at the 3 minutes 40 seconds mark of the song "Outshined."

10. Beck - "Debra" - Beck's white-guy falsetto is about the best I've heard and he's not afraid to slather it on just 2 chords the entire song. Couple Frank Sinatra's mid-1950's sexually charged no-holds barred swagger and the hopeless optimism and fearlessness provided by testosterone, and you've got "Debra." The character in this song is counting on wooing Jenny with a) ride in his Hyundai from JcPenny's and b) a "real good meal" (I'm leaning towards Denny's) all the while insidiously suggesting a 3-some with Jenny's sister who he thinks, but can't quite remember, is named Debra. If he can't bag sisters with promise of non-reliable transport and sub-par dining, what chance do the rest of us have?

11. Buckcherry - "Lit-up" - It's one thing when you hear the word "Fuck" come from a large, possibly militant, black man, but when you hear it come from a 5 foot 7, 115 lb diminutive white girl, you pay attention. Which is why when Mallard, who uses "Fuck" more often than Dice-Clay and Snoop Dog combined, called me to tell me that she forgot how much she enjoyed its use in Buckcherry's "Lit-up," I listened. After lengthy deliberation, Mallard and I determined that if Jesus Christ was the foremost expert on the prolific use of the word "Fuck," then he would award Joshua Todd of Buckcherry the crown of thorns to sell on E-bay.

PC-etiquette has taught us that "being high" in all forms is usually bad. In all actuality, we are all high on something. Some people get "sugar highs," others enjoy "runner's highs". Myself, I enjoy what I call an "unemployment high"

Say no to censorship. Just because the FCC thinks it knows what "decency" is doesn't mean you have to. So the next time you are in the elevator at your corporate job and that bastardized Muzak version of "Lit-Up" comes on, at 2:20 be sure to emphatically interject at the top of your lungs "Are you fucking high!?!"

12. Hank Williams Jr. "Family Tradition" - In this Oprah era where every disorder has to be given a name and over analyzed to death for the sake of television ratings, it's refreshing to hear a song that shoots straight from the hip. This little gem was crafted in the 70's when sexual harassment was still considered "playful" and "part of the game." (fella's wouldn't you have loved to have been a pilot in those days?) No one knew what PC was so it's no wonder that Uncle Hank doesn't beat around the proverbial bush when he calls out his own self-indulgent ways. People have been drunks for many thousands of years, they didn't have AA, they didn't have support groups or special medication to coddle them through the ugly bitch known as detox. They grew a pair and took responsibility for their own maladaptive behavior. They either stopped drinking or died faced down in a pile of whatever they ate the night before. If they couldn't conquer it that way, then they drug as many people as they could into their miserable self destructive spiral into Satan's anus. This is how I bet it went down.

Ancient Egyptian Male - "Check out this stuff I brewed up back in the spare pyramid. It's a tasty little concoction that makes me feel all tingly."

Ancient Egyptian Male's "Ole Lady" - "You better be careful!

Ancient Egyptian Male - "What the fuck! I work all day, trying to come up with some great new drink that will most likely change the course of the world, and the only thing you can do is start bitching at telling me what to do? Seriously, if I wanted my mother's opinion I'd hop on my camel and trek down to Babylonian to get it from her! (Slurs words when trying to speak) Mead, I mean, me and my drink, no, no my drink well now be known as "mead!" Mead and I shall retire to our sleeping quarters, you can join us if you'd like!" (Storms out of room)

(Several minutes transpire) (Ancient Egyptian Male's "Ole Lady" walks to sleeping quarters)
(Cue act 2)

Ancient Egyptian Male's "Ole Lady" - "You know I was wrong. Perhaps you are onto something and perhaps I should try it before I assume that EVERYTHING you do is shit. It's just this women in downtown has these meetings were other women gather and we talk about our feelings and how you make a lot of "I" statements when all I really want to hear is more "we" statements. You do a lot around here and all I am is a constant thorn in your ass (She guzzles down the mead). Hey, I do feel kind of warm and fuzzy. Wow, I feel all my inhibitions instilled in me from a frigged upbringing and psuedo-instilled religious values being thrown to the wayside, we should engage in coitus. Do you have a camel's intestine sheath? Ah, fuck it who cares!"

(Ancient Egyptian Male & Ancient Egyptian Male's "Ole Lady" engage in coitus)
(The morning after - cue act 3)

Ancient Egyptian Male's "Ole Lady" - "You know that was great. I probably wouldn't have done all those things unless I had drunk that mead as you call it, ha i guess I was "drunk!" Anyways, I was thinking, since my mother is coming into town from Cairo that we could all have lunch at this cute little cafe .."

(Ancient Egyptian Male interrupts quickly)

Ancient Egyptian Male - "Yeah, that was nice and all but you should probably get going."

Ancient Egyptian Male's "Ole Lady" - "I’ll scroll or hyroglific you!!!"

Ancient Egyptian Male's - "Are you still talking? I'm out"

Ancient Egyptian Male - "(Walks outside) I'm so thirsty I could drink camel piss. Fuck my head hurts!! I'm never drinking again!"

And that's pretty much how it happened. The times have changed but the people, the awkward morning after conversation, and throbbing headaches have stayed the same. Thanks Hank for giving us an anthem that celebrates both over consumption and non-committal relationships. I'll drink to that!

By the way, this isn't the blog that I was telling people about that will "be the only blog you will ever need for the rest of human history, and MY BLOG will become the defacto meaning for the word "blog." Whenever anyone anywhere says the word "blog," they will be referring to RMURIGI! I can't remember who but someone tossed around the word "bible." I'm flattered but I don't think Jesus would appreciate the competition.

Please leave a comment about your favorite song and what it means to you. Also, if applicable, any stories involving anything near, in, around or through Satan's anus or Britney's glory hole are also acceptable.