Thursday, March 13, 2008

People/places/actions/things that chap my ass

The more places I go and people I view the more I realize that it is inevitable we are going to find things about one another that are not so pleasant. For instance, as unglamorous as it sounds, I am a hardcore nose picker. Some people find it repulsive but to me there are few things finer than jamming your index finger into your nostril to extract that calcified chunk of whatever. Here is a comprehensive list of the best of the worst;

1. Loud eaters - this has to be most foul practice in the history of human behavior. Bananas, yogurt, potato chips have to be some of the worst. Have you had to sit through the spectacle that is watching someone make love to a banana. That crushed fruit flesh mixed in with copious amounts of saliva all the while being batted around by an over zealous tongue. All of this agony can be avoided if you just simply SHUT-YOUR-FUCKING-MOUTH! Oh, if your one of those people that lick your fingers and eating chicken wings, there is a special place in hell for you buddy!

2. Loud cell phone talkers - it's crazy the shit people pull in public places. A person will be talking to their friend on a bus at a reasonable volume and he answers a call on his/her phone and suddenly looses all control of the volume of his/her voice.

3. You're in a small car turning left and some douche-bag pulls up to the right of you to turn right. The big stink of the situation is that while his car is 18 feet tall and provides him excellent 360 degree surveillance of the state of Alaska, you can't see shit!

4. The "I'm gonna pass you on a dangerous 2 lane highway only to realize there is a string of 30 cars ahead of me" guy. HIghway 93 in Montana comes to mind. Enough said.

5. REM (the band if you can call it that) - I've never met an REM fan in all my travels yet they are in the Rock N' Roll hall of fame. Can anyone name more than 3 of their songs? There is the gloomy suicidal anthem "Everybody Hurts." I think it should be played in the street of Seattle in early February just to thin out the herd. Oh, and there is the rage inducing chorus of "Shiny Happy People." Remember how that one goes? Let me enlighten you.

"Shiny happy people holding hands
Shiny happy people laughing"

6. The guy with the bass in his car that insists everyone within a half mile hears his music.

7. Non east-coast timzoners will appreciate this. When you are really looking forward to seeing a show only to have it on at a different time. 8/7 central my ass! Even Stephen Hawking couldn't figure out this mystery.

8. Extreme political correctness - So read this article
This chaps my ass to no end. Since when was this country founded on Muslim values? Since when did we start catering to the minority few? This makes about as much sense as me going to South Korea, walking to a bathhouse and requesting that everyone puts their clothes back on because "I feel uncomfortable." Should I ask them to set aside 4 hours for me and the other 6 people in the country that feel the same way? The problem with our country is that everyone thinks they are such a fucking special and unique snowflake.

"Holiday tree" instead of "Christmas tree." Here is one that I would like to reintroduce a personal reverse-PC phrase into everyday lexicon "fucking retarded" instead of "intellectually challenged"

9. Pretentious people

10. Celebrity jerk-off shows - Oprah does a lot of good things, don't get me wrong, but what really grinds my gears to no avail are the shows she does where she brings on some over-privileged actor or actress to talk about their life and how great they are.

Oprah to spoiled celebrity: "Oh my god, tell us about your latest movie I heard you took a pay cut to do this movie because you wanted to do something indie. You know something to show your incredible acting range. How on earth are you going to make do with 15 million, girlfriend?"

Why not make these people work like the rest of us (well not me currently)? Acting is simply a near worthless commodity. In the "hunter/gather", "when-shit-hits-the-fan," or "for the betterment of mankind," sense of the world, acting has to be the most worthless skill on the totem pole. Nothing would make me happier then seeing that dick head Tom Cruise working drive through at Wendy's. Unless you are Dicaprio, Depp or maybe 3 others, you're replaceable. If you forgot about how much of an asshole Tom Cruise is, here are some tantrums for your viewing pleasure.

By the way, "Cocktail" sucked Tom.

11. People who think "free" health care is "free" - Seriously! Who's going to pay for this shit? You and me. Forgive me if I don't want to chip in for some 500 pound whale that can't push away from the feed bowl. How about the lifelong smoker? How is that my responsibly? What happened to personal responsibility in this country? Oh, that was ushered out when our society turned into a litagous finger-pointing society. For your brain enrichment;

These are the kind of people we will be dealing with. No matter what political party you align yourself with, we can all pretty much agree that the only thing our government does well is start unpopular wars. When was the last time you filed your taxes, also a federal enterprise, and thought, you know all these rules and stipulations make a lot of sense. "Or how about my personal credo, "Yeah, I really think I got a lot for the 10,000 dollars I handed over last year." National medicine will be no different. If I wanted to surrender 50% of my wage and have some nurse wipe my ass whenever I didn't feel like doing so, I'd move to Germany. Socialized medicine would collapse under the weight of this countries obesity epidemic. Pun intended.

12. The excrement catapult that is "American Idol" and the massively nonsensical subjectivity of its apparent judges - Ugh. Whatever happened to a band working hard for years and years pedaling albums out of the back of a van. Then after several marriages, the loss of an original band member, sleeping with that band member's widow, and countless chemical dependency problems later, they strike it big. The Grateful Dead, while I am not a huge fan of them, were a band for 22 years before they achieve their first, and subsequent only, top 10 hit with "Touch of Grey." No gaurenteed record deal after winning a 3 month singing competition. People followed them all over the country for years. If you've ever seen pictures of "The Dead" clearly you know they aren't heart throbs and what people came to hear was the music. What I am saying is everything that is churned out on American Idol is fluff and sans substance.

While you have to admire the train wreck that is Simon lambasting an unsuspecting contestant, it's about the only part of the show worth watching. Simply stated, Paula's an idiot and Randy is fiercely clinging to his street cred of yesteryear. As if he would ever let us forget that he played bass in Journey.

Contestant: "I just thought I would try a little something different this week. My dad died 3 days ago and his favorite song was "Respect" by Aretha Franklin and (Randy swiftly interrupts)..."

Randy: "Yo Dawg, that reminds me a lot of the time I played bass in Journey and ... (insert a string of garbage here)

I've got another beef with Randy "Yo Dawg" Jackson. Nickelback, while definitely not my favorite band in the world, is a hard working Canadian band that carved themselves out a non-genre specific niche. Jackson, who now apparently moon-lights as a beauty pageant judge, was recently quoted as saying (in reference to Nickelback's lead singer Chad Kroeger) "I swear that guy is like 45 years old and ugly as sin." The irony of this situation is that Jackson is 51 and just so happens to be "ugly as sin." I don't think there is a better situation in which the English idiom "the pot calling the kettle black" applies.

Not all is lost though. I've created an "American Idol" drinking game (patent pending). Every time you hear the words or phrase, you take a drink and/or shot;

1. "yo dawg"
2. "wasn't your best performance"
3. "it was a little pitchy"
4. Anytime Simon says "karaoke"
5. "that was horrendous"
6. "I just wasn't feelin' it"

If you make it through a whole show without alcohol poisening, you know people run marathons in less time than a typical AI show, you win. Please use this blog as a therapeutic spring board and comment about what chaps your ass.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Nuck, nuck, nuck!

Mallard, my sister, always has this fear that her lifestyle teeters on the brink of white trash. She doesn't like driving the red Ford truck because she thinks people will think ill of her. She also lives in a working class community, strike two. I think this picture may settle this issue once and for all.

Nope they weren't hosting a Ron Paul rally, this was just your average Saturday afternoon. I say if your run out of room in your driveway to park and are forced to park in your own yard, you may have a problem. For those of you keeping track at home, yes there are 6 cars there. All of which are of varying models and vintage. "We've got a little of everything. Foreign and Domestic, vans and trucks. Come on down to Mad-Mels where we treat you like your family!"

So I initially felt bad about calling Mel out. I have taken a lot of heat from the Miles'. I kept my mouth shut about being force fed hot dogs and macaroni and cheese but I can no longer hold my silence. Without further hesitation, I present to you Hohn vs. Miles "exhibit B (her backyard)." Checkmate!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Father of mine

This is my dad. When I saw him first thing this morning, this is the image I was greeted with.