"Fucking crazies at Pacific Shores Condominiums"So when we moved in here everyone said the "B" building was the old person building and that nothing ever happened out of the norm. I don't know if it was a crazy lunar phase or just an influx of crazy-ass haole's but shit has become weird/violent within the last month. (I am white myself but not crazy although I have this theory about us white folk and extended periods of time on small islands. The only crazy people I have met on this island are white or ice heads, usually both.
First incident: Unemployed-video-game-addict/idiot, possibly drug crazed (oh, I'm leaning towards PCP on this one) thinks every passer-by is peering into his apartment. Nearly gets his ass destroyed when he confronts one passer by who is substantially bigger, more sober and less then amused by crazy's caustic demeanor. "Don't fucking look in my apartment, i'm sick of people looking in my apartment," was the line he kept yelling over and over. I'm not smart enough to cure cancer but if you think people are looking into your apt, CLOSE YOUR FUCKING DOOR! Close your door anyways! I'm sick of hearing your gansta' rap, domestic disputes, and Mario Brothers video game theme music!
Second incident: Crazy elderly bat bitches me out because she thinks my girlfriends 12-pound Chinese Pug is going to tear her Pomeranian, yes also a drop-kick dog, eyes out of its head. She kept spouting on and on about it. Broken fucking record. Listen lady, dogs play, they sniff asses, and if your lucky enough, they hump your leg. That's kinda what they do and the chances of having fluffy's eyes poked out of her tiny skull are about the same as you ever becoming normal. Ahh! I can't wait to be retired so I can meddle in other people business and save 10% at Denny's. This lady also threatened to call the association on me cause I was working on my pedal bike on the side walk. I know what you are thinking, "bitching and being a pain-in-the-ass retiree doesn't make someone crazy." Your right. While it does make you an AARP member, it doesn't make you crazy. What makes this lady crazy is she carries her dog in a baby stroller!!! WTF!?!? * Editor's note: Crazy old bat does herself one better - she now carries drop kick dog in one of those chest baby carriers!
Third incident: Lady and pop/soda machine get into it - lady loses. Don't get me wrong, when I want a 7up for a little 7&7 I want it bad! But it has never lead me to physically assail a pop machine or call it words only reserved for the most special of occasions (ballsack, cock-ass, fuck-tard, cuntrag). A bunch of swearing and insolent threats later the police show up and take loony tunes away. It's one thing to get pissed off and say a few words for therapy's sake but it's quite another to stay there long enough to get hauled into the clink.
Fourth incident: Blood curdling scream from 4th floor leads to more geriatric excitement. I don't know what lead to this little gem, perhaps they changed the airtime on Matlock, but Jesus H Christ. Three police officers show up to handle Ms. Daisy's episode. Actually it took more then 3 police to whisk away grandma. Three EMT's showed up with a special rolling chair w/ built in crazy pads. It was the first time I had seen someone in their 80's in handcuffs, well besides Jack Kavorkian. * Jack Kavorkian, or "Dr. Death" as the media enjoyed frequently sensationalized him as did many great things in his life. Besides a widely published hunger strike (think Nicole Richie minus the politcal statement), Jack "put down," some 130 elderly folk. Praise Jesus. Finally, someone is doing their part to cut down of the amount of old people aimlessly meandering around this planet. If any of us young folk want to see any social security money ... well, we know what we need to do.
Fifth incident: Skinny as shit hippy looking character is sitting on the sidewalk late at night. Being the friendly lad I am I stick around and stir conversation. Boy am I glad I did because I now know why my car has a tinge of the every so deaded cat piss aroma. Turns out this crazy bitch is feeding the feral cats on the island. She sits out in the parking lot, brings out food and then the cats come to her. Anyone that has given any animal, young children and the homeless included, knows that if you give something food, it will come back! She mentions to me that it might be a good idea to close my car windows as the cats will jump in, hang out there for the night and then bolt in the morning. I refuse to roll up my windows. That is one of the primary advantages to driving a shit car and I 'll be damned if I let her take that constituional right from me. Instead, i'll put some rat poisen in my car but this will be a brilliant idea I keep to myself.
Now for the the analysis. Am I now noticing how crazy people are because I am recently unemployed and now have a first row seat to "As Pacific Shores Turn?" Are other condo's like this? Everyone knows that white people make up the best serial killers and pedophiles (or maybe the worst depending on how you look at it. Do the "good ones" not get caught?) but have we now conquered the realm of general craziness?
Concerned and confused,
One normal white guy
It's worth noting that 4/5 of these people were women