Wednesday, July 23, 2008

If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?

… was the statement uttered previously. “I’ll show them,” was what I muttered to myself as I racked my brain for the best way to express myself via marital vows to my lovely Summer Wheat Ale. I’ve talked a lot of shit on this blog about lambasting the ignorant, the obese, and American Idol (does anyone know if Reuben Stoddard is ignorant? I know he's an American Idol and obese but I want to know if he completes the tri-fecta). I’m not as negative as most of my blogs depict. I would like to touch on some items that, for lack of a less crude euphemism, “make my clam quiver (sorry Juggs, couldn’t resist :))”. In no particular order, I presenteth to you RMAURTIGTTNSI's "Stuff That Blows My Asshole Out"

Warning: This blog is very lenghty. It is the "blue steele" of blogs. I actually probably shouldn't talking about it. To appease the conservatives and to maintain the blogs journalist integrity, I've decide to give each blog a "belligerence barometer." Today we are dealing with a level 9. This posts daily forecast is heavy in sexual suggestion with a chance of blasphemy.

Led Zeppelin
– My friends are always telling me about how great the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and Miley Cyrus are. But at the end of the day, they all bow in inferiority to the almighty Led Zeppelin.

A quick recap; LZ sold over 300 million records worldwide, has the most requested FM song “Stairway to Heaven,” and isn’t entrenched in an embarrassing death-knell cleverly disguised as a lucrative world tour (Rolling Stones).

Most casual FM listeners, I suppose now more accurately usurped by XM, are familiar with Zeppelin’s tried-and-true radio classics such as “Heartbreaker,” “Black Dog,” “The Ocean.” I challenge this alleged “casual listener” to delve deeper into the music breadth that is the Led Zeppelin catalog. Originally slated as a heavy metal group, Zeppelin has something for everybody . Here are some of my favorite off-the-beaten-path tunes by LZ.

“Since I’ve Been Loving You” – “The Rain Song” – “In My Time of Dying” – “I Can’t Quit You Babe” – “Thank You” – “Your Time is Gonna Come”

Is it me or does Jimmy Page look as though he has been injected with old man Asian genes?

How Fucked Up Other People Are – So you are probably thinking to yourself, “Hey Garrett, it has to be pretty cold atop your ivory tower this time of year.” It’s true that the winds are quite brisk but I’m not talking about normal everyday dysfunction such as eating disorders, schizophrenia or erectile dysfunction. I’m talking about severe lack of common sense. (Is it me or does it seem that Jerry Springer has passed on the proverbial reigns of the dysfunction sleigh to Dr. Phil?). In an effort to “keep up with the Jones’, people have procured bloated mortgages for Mcman$$ions that they could barely afford during times of prosper. Is it a sign that we are heading toward bad times when Ed McMann, the fellow who made a living handing out million dollar Publisher's Clearing House checks, may now file for bankruptcy?

In a related story, Webster's dictionary is now revising it's definition of the word "irony." Now a slight pinch in finance has lead these people to throw their arms up and start blaming the lending institutions that forced them to take out these mammoth loans ( I guess the sick satisfaction that I derive comes from the judgmental stares I’ve taken over the years because rigs that I drove, while being bought and paid for with cash, weren’t new and shiny, and most likely spotted immobile on the side of the road.

I feel it’s worth mentioning that our quality of life in majority supersedes that of the earth's other 6 billion inhabitants. Yeah, I know fellow American’s, believe it or not there are other people on this planet besides ourselves. Ok, so gas will become 5 dollars a gallon. Big deal. We’ve enjoyed many years of inexpensive fuel. Some of us will have to use public transportation or, gasp, getting off our collective fat ass to ride a bike. Maybe you will have to make a small sacrifice. Maybe your Ford Expedition, bought on credit most likely, may have been a slight over kill for a baby seat. Or maybe you’ll have to go without your morning grande latte. It could be worse; you could have had a rotten day, year, or possibly life that lead up to this:

I believe this sums it up best

“You are not your bank account
You are not the clothes you wear
You are not the contents of your wallet
You are not your bowel cancer
You are not your grande late
You are not the car your drive
You are not your fucking khakis”

- Tyler Durden “Fight Club”

My Old 1980 BMW 320i – I lusted after that that rig like a priest lusts after 12-year-old boys. Nice curves, quiet when it needed to be and loud when you really laid into it.

Good Friends - I always feel at home with my boys (and girls) when I can be myself sans self-induced censorship. Anytime I can start a sentence with "So I'm balls deep in this girl and ..."without raising eyebrow's from the present company, I know I'm amongst solid folks.

Good friends also help you out in a pinch. I'm talking about the friends you would call and say the following; "Hey, the warden says I've got 45 seconds. I'm in Tijuana, in jail, and potentially have chlamydia. I need your help." Without hesitation, or questioning, they respond, "I'll be there."

Playboy – And now for the perfunctory smart-ass quip, “So let me guess, you read it for the articles?” Yeah, Dickhead I do. More often than not, it’s the bible thumper or just the plain ill-educated that passes judgment of such. I wouldn’t expect anything less . Isn’t that what organized religion is all about?

“(Insert name here) wasn’t in church on Sunday, I’ve been here 25 straight weeks, therefore I’m a better devotee/follower/minion/indentured servant/sheeple.” That’s where it starts and ends for me.

But I digress. Nothing makes me happier then opening up the mailbox and seeing that glossy black bag starting right back into my sinful eyes. For those of you who haven’t read an issue before passing judgment, Playboy happens to be a very well written publication that just so happens to have naked women in it. Without equivocation my two favorite sections are “Raw Data” and “The Advisor.” If you ever had a bad day and wanted to feel “normal,” look no further than “The Advisor.”

“A reader asked in February if there was a way to make his girlfriend’s nipples larger. You said no; he must “play what’s dealt.” That is incorrect. I have used nipple suction for more than two years, and the suction cups do enlarge nipples. Start slow with 15-minute session twice a week. Now I can go three hours. When the cups are removed, touching my enlarged nipples cause exquisite pleasure.”

- J.L., Pomona, California

Some women say that it sets unrealistic expectations because the centerfolds list themselves as 110 or 115 pounds. This is obviously a farce because no one, well at least no one in this country, has weighed 110 pounds since the 7th grade.

Then there is the question about whether or not it is pornography. A female friend of mine said that Playboy is hard-core porn because she "saw a picture of a girl sticking a finger inside of herself." I've been a subscriber for many years and, with zero hesitation none the less, can say I have never seen a woman finger bang herself. Would some long time readers step forth and back me up?

“The Nature Piss” – In my preliminary research for my move to Asia, I wasn’t concerned about the language barrier or the exposure to different foods, it was the knowledge that taking a nature piss in populous dense Asia would most likely result in a golden shower to an unlikely pedestrian and/or possible imprisonment. For you urbanites or women folk not in the know, a nature piss is when you have to micturate but don’t really want to go through all of the labor of waddling to the toilet and lifting up the seat. Not only that but you have to contend with the aim issue. Instead, you make your way to the front door of your house, trailer, Super 8, or Pinto (essentially where you woke up from the night before), drop trow (extra points if the bottom of your butt cheeks are visible) and let loose a steady stream of urine.

Imagine this if you will. It’s early in the morning, say 9:30. You roll out of bed and lumber your way leisurely out to the deck lightly clad in only your panties. A fresh blanket of snow envelops the earth where grass was displayed prominently only hours before. The harsh snarl of the lowly tempered morning air reminds you that winter is in no hurry to make a hasty exodus. There you stand, alone, completely unbridled by the stresses of your modern day life. As you spew forth a robust stream of urine, you appreciate the way the steam dances off of it and eventually makes its way into the atmosphere. The stealthy Chinook winds remind you of its capable power by gingerly tickling your testicles …..

Now doesn’t that sound nice?

Pornography - Right now I'm really into Asian porn but I have been testing the German porn waters. I love the extra attention the producers pay towards story line, character development and scene transitions.

Satisfying Bowel Movement - I'm not sure if this one is because I am getting older, or because of my ultra sensitivity when it comes to low fiber or diminished hydration, but laboring to drop a deuce has to be one of the more humbling experiences a human can endure. After eating cheese and bread for a week in France, I've determined Ed Hilary has nothing on me. Of course, quality of boom-booms are very subjective and very personal.

I don't like to wait on a shit. I feel it impedes the progress of my day. To me, there are few things finer than waking up in the morning, dropping trow, and releasing forth the previous evenings' supper. A slight sweat is desirable because I feel it gets the endorphins pumping and prepares me for the rigors that are every day living. However, one of the worlds all time lows would be having "mud-butt" and having to run towards a shitter. It's worry, terror, and panic all rolled into one. So basically the 2008 Presidential Election.

Internet – In a dollar-to-minute comparison, there is no better time wasting endeavor than the Internet. For instance, I think there are few things finer than a woman with a German accent. On the other hand, I have an insatiable thirst for well-crafted pornography. Now where else could I get that, not only on a weekday, but within an hour?

Wikipedia is proof that God wants me to spend the rest of my life in front of a computer screen. Not only does it squelch my insatiable hunger for information about remote islands, it’s very good at settling bets. For instance, before Wikipedia, what did people do if they needed to know immediately how many "movies" Linda Lovelace was in?

Aside from that, I suppose the Internet is used for more productive activities such as online gambling and perusing Craiglist’s “Casual Encounters” section. If it weren’t for the Internet, you wouldn’t be reading this blog! Even if this blog isn’t worth the discs the 1’s and 0’s it’s magnetically stored on.

Hockey – I love everything about it. I love taking a wrister from the top of the circle and banking it in off the post. I love watching someone else taking a wrister from the top of the circle and banking it in off the post. I will even go as far as liking someone talking about hearing about someone else taking a wrister from the top of the circle and banking it in off the post. There isn’t another sport on this planet that combines the athleticism, toughness and intensity that Hockey brings to the table. Most people’s favorite day of the year is something stupid like Thanksgiving, Easter or Christmas. For me, however, it doesn’t get any better than the open day of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. As far as sounds go, besides the sound of my own voice of course, there is nothing more beautiful than the sound of a puck hitting a goal post.

Beer –Unless you are a brew master, but probability points more towards raging alcoholic than anything, you probably weren’t aware of the fact that beer only became recently hopped within the last 500 years. The British hopped the beer before the journey to the colonies because of its preservation qualities. Perhaps the Brits should have brought a tube of toothpaste in an effort to preserve their teeth. Anyways, besides its fascinating origin, beer is so much more than a great babysitter. It’s a social lubricator and a poor-decision enabler.

Ghohn's Top Beers
1. Chimay Trappist Ale (Belgium)
2. Westmalle Dubbel Ale (Belgium)
3. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale (California)
4. Big Sky's Summer Honey (Montana)
5. Henry Winehards Summer Wheat Ale (Portland)
6. Kona's Pipeline Porter (Kona, HI, unless you're on the mainland then it's Woodinville, WA)
7. Great Northern's Wild Huckleberry Wheat Lager - (Montana)
8. Widmer Hefeweizen (Portland)

If you’re sick of beer at the moment, I’d recommend trying a Manhattan.

New Pair of Socks – They smell so good and are so soft.

Beach Volleyball - There were long nights when I'd look around thinking, am I really doing this.? Am I really here, as I looked around the court taking in the bevy of sights that were sand below my feet, ocean to my right and hot bikini-clad ass every which way. We'd play ball until the wee hours. Well, we played ball until they shut off the lights at 9 p.m, which in Maui, constitutes the wee hours. I forged many a friendship on those courts; and after watching my father play, realized I would be able to play volleyball poorly well into my 40's.

Not Working
- It's fantastic. I'd recommend everyone try it at least once in their life for an extended period of time.

Mexican Food - I don't understand why Mexicas are jumping over the border to get to American. They have the best food!!! All we have is hot dogs, mac and cheese and Crisco. The following is a list of the most amazing Mexican I have had; (from most amazing to lesser amazingness)

1. El Diablo Taco (Missoula, MT) - Fish Burrito con Gorgonzola y Cilantro!

2. Costa Vida (only a few location but I "popped my cherry" at the Boise, ID location) - Sweet Pork Enchilladas

3. Taco Del Sol (Missoula, MT + Kalispell, MT) - Fish Taco or Burrito, though they have raised their prices considerably since "back in the day."

4. Cha! Cha! Cha!, Portland, OR - Consistantly tried and true and all for 4.50!

Assholes getting whats coming to them.


Pa! said...

You have finally managed to cross my threshold of journalistic decency.
By blatantly dissing my prowess at beach volley ball.
It is becoming alarmingly clear you exhibit the tell tail signs of despisal.

Kirk said...

"You know what grinds my gears?"

Californian Princesess.
This may apply to Sourthern, and Coastal CA, but my GOD these women are daft. They are thier purses. They are thier cars. They are deserving of 50% of the rest of a man's income for 18 months of marrage. They are deserving of my being balls deep in them...

Presidential Candidates.
You know where the word "Politics" comes form? "Poly" from the greak word for many. "Ticks" are blood sucking parasites.

The GREAT Housing Scam of the early 21st Century.
If one red cent of my tax money goes into bailing these fu@ks out...
WTF! Take money from those of us who know when a loan is NOT a good idea... and tax us to pay for the idiots!!!

That reminds me, watch the movie IDIOCRACY.

Stupid people.
I've no issues with most ignoramuses. They don't know better. They are like a one year old touching fire. You kinda feel bad for them.
Now I'm not talking about your everyday lack of knowledge. I'm retarded when it comes to ripping open the gearbox off my dad's '57 and being told to rebuild it. I'm talking about Stupid people.
Stupid People are those who know better. I've no patience for stupid people.

People with low self-confidence who consistantly seek the approval of others. These people are usually akin to gossipers and seek drama.
"Does this make me look fat?"
"Is she really wearing THAT?"
I'm sick and tired of these people. Live your life. Have fun! Life is short and we should be out enjoying it. Produce something. Contribute. Entertain! Grow something. Invent something. Make art! Just don't be a sensitive whiner. If you make something that people don't like, well, find someone that does! And if you can, then make something that people appreciate (form or function). Just stop being a parasite on my soul.

Terrell Owens.
nuf said.

As for things that are great, well buddy, you've hit just about all of 'em.

Sex. Beer. Food. Friends. Music. Nature. Accomplishment. Rest (not-working). Travel. Wit (word-craftmanship). Passion.

I'll add:
Beauty (Art/movie/painting/music... something that moves you).
Hunger for Understanding.

"Live as if you'll die today. Learn as though you'll live forever."

Garrett Hohn said...

Yo K,

Excellent list. I've always wandered how the guys deal with the So Cal women. You're not the first to have mentioned their rediculousness.

I've heard good things of Idiocracy though never seen it.

Stupid people/low self esteem. You're reading my mind man!

For the umpteenth time, my mother made reference to wanting to adopt you. My parents are quite impressed with your inquistive nature. So much so that they would like you to submit an application for our new MT compound.

Thanks for picking me up in Tijuana
brother! :)


Kirk said...

You know it, buddy. Bonus: I'm probably about the closest to Tijuana (hour drive).

Do I need my guns?

As for Ranch Hohn -- the NEW MT Compound? what happened to the old one?

Always good to have a place to go when the time is needed. It would be good to visit one of the only sane states left! (Arizona’s become a suburb of California – so its out; Alaska’s still cool; and maybe Colorado can join the Cool State club every 7th year. Non-voting member, though.

Right now, I’ve had my place either in the U.P. of Michigan (water, fish, deer, turkey) or Roatan, Honduras. I’ve only passed through a corner of MT, and I was but a wee-boy back then. Give it another year for my back to heal, then I’ll be down for a MT visit… the GH family, Galcier Ntl Park, Rafting, fishing… you have any scuba diving there?

Live well. Laugh often!

Garrett Hohn said...


Extra body fat
300 dollars of personal burial money

The old compound isn't adequate because it doesn't have water on the property.

Without getting into too many privacy sensitive issues ... it's going to kick-ass!

The ole man says that Lake Koocenusa, a man made lake mind you, has a town at the bottom of it!

Kirk said...

Sweet Jeebus! ATLANTIS!

wait... is the new compound in the town at the botom of the lake? (that would stave off the water issue of the ol' compound) :)

As for the body fat... well, a year and two months of relative inactivity from a broken back (L5/S1), that's not an issue. 25 lbs sheeted over the body. Damn. Still hurts like heck, too. But, after some Phy. Therapy; Pilates; Yoga; and light cardio... I'm pulling myself back together these past 4 weeks. (first time trying pilates and ygoa... and I've already managed a date with the pilates instructor!) Looking forward to getting out biking, surfing, rock climbing again in the next few months.

Seed? In the form of beer?

Pa! said...

Hey kirk, Although I haven't broken my back I did herniate the disk between S1 & L5 & L4 many years ago and feel your pain.....
I went the chiropractor route and have since added a Tens unit and deep tissue message to my arsenal for recovery when my back throws a fit.

Kirk said...

G Pa!
I hear you on the massage. I try for one every three weeks for the past year and a half. (Herniation resulted in the break... and the massage does wonders.)

I just looked up (wikipedia rocks) TENS unit. So that's what its caled. That's my favorite part of Physical Therapy! 15 minutes on a good, strong current... ahhh....

Kirk said...

Here's another one to add to the list of things that grind my gears...

Weather(wo)man. yeah. They suck. I spend my entire week in the office, hearing the weather is great at the beach (I live 3'min walk to the beach and see it from my bedroom window). Saturday's (today's) forecast = sunny, clear, 78'F.
I've trapped myself in the office all week prepparing for the Wall Street announcement (two days ago). Weather person states: Sat = great day!

Anticipation of the day made me get through the week.

What is it today????!!!!?? Friggin' cloudy and 71' (inland). This bites.

What level in hell do weather-people exist on? I'll be sure to send a well armed lawyer on the way to a deeper level in hell to blow thier asses away on the way down.

Wendy said...

Have you been to ¿Por Qué No? Taqueria on Mississippi Ave? Tom and I went there last night and I officially had the best tacos ever in my life. We will have to venture over there on a Tuesday, they have Happy Hour 3 to close. You inspired me to try a fish taco and it was amazing.

Colette Reid said...

G...what the hell? I finally read your blog and I am quite disappointed. Why did pug and I not make the list? But girls that you are "balls deep in" and German and Asian porn made the list. When are you watching this porn? Is this what you do all day that you only have time to take pug out once? And what other girls are you "balls deep in?" I think we need to have a talk! Apparently pug and I didn't make the list...too bad. :(

As for Kirk...I MISS YOU! I will say one of the main reasons I didn't go to college in Southern California was because of the "Californian Princesses" as you call them. I would have been a total outcast.