Thursday, July 3, 2008

If Jesus homebrewed.

At the risk of placing myself in harms way of "opinion persecution (close cousin to "religious persecution" though no one dies)," I can't stop with the religious posts. It's like that ultra wasted homeless person you see on the sidewalk that you can't pull your eyes off of. Yes you've seen drunker individuals but you've never seen a drunker individual with fewer teeth.

Speaking of public drunkenness, for anyone that hasn't visited the Northwest, you are missing out on some great beers. In fact, Oregon, Washington, Vermont and Montana are the 4 states that have more than 20 microbreweries per 1 million people. Is it coincidental that I have resided in three-quarter of those states?

So how did we become upon this wonderful swill? It just so happens that I was doing some light reading and stumbled upon a book entitled "The Bible: Cliffnoted version for Men." It basically covered all the cool parts like war, torture, booze and lustful women in a compact 88 page bathroom read. Did you think Eve's tree leaf was the only garment she had to wear? Much like modern women of today, she had closets full of garments she never wore! She only adorned the leaf because she knew it made for a bitchin' stripper's outfit.

For those not in the know, Jesus was on the business-end of many a great miracle. His impressive resume includes walking on water, turning water into wine, and perhaps most impressive, turning wine into wine coolers. Perhaps the biggest miracle of them all was the delicious, bubbly concoction he came up with which he referred to as "Beer." What's that? Can't find that part in your bible? He wanted to keep that on the down-low. He figured if the wrong people found out about how great his idea was he'd wind up pinned to a cross somewhere.

Talk about name brand recognition! Jesus actually has his own beer!

Though Jesus, the son of God, would most likely have access to the best beers of the world at the time, everyone knows that Jerusalem wasn't necessarily the hot-bed of micro brewing. Since grapes were a-plenty in the region, he reverted back to imbibing vino and banging wine guzzling Art majors by the dozens.

Reasons Why Beer is Better then Religion
(Someone far smarter than I came up with the list below)

  1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
  2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
  3. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
  4. Beer has never caused a major war.
  5. Beer is useful when you're down
  6. Beer has been helping ugly people get laid for ages
  7. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
  8. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
  9. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
  10. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured for his brand of Beer.
  11. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
  12. You can prove you have a Beer.
  13. Beer is useful: You can drink it.
  14. A beer, drunk properly, is a social winner.
  15. You can switch your brand of beer whenever you want without losing beer-drinking friends.
  16. Beer helps you enjoy life, religion reminds you how shit people are.
  17. Beer is a social lubricant, religion is a social inhabitant
  18. Beer was instrumental in the formation of the American constitution. All but one of the people who signed the original constitution were brewers - the other was a malter.
If Jesus was alive today, he'd strike me as a PBR kind-of-guy.

"Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy" - Ben Franklin

More God/Jesus humor; the "Stuff God Hate's" blog. This guy is hilarious!

"Today I would like to talk about something I feel very, very strongly about - My deep and abiding hatred for women. Now don’t get Me wrong! I’m not a gay. Far from it. I’ve been a poon-hound ever since I first created poon. I get as much as I want, whenever I want."

- God from "Stuff God Hate's" blog on Women #7 on his list.


Pa! said...

I am pretty sure a career in
politics isn't in your future.

Melissa said...

To pa!
So I take he's ruined MY career in politics? I can just see how the next central committee meeting will go...

Pa! said...

Perhaps it will gain you the sympathy
vote......clearly there is something not right with the kid.

Garrett Hohn said...

What's "not right with the boy?" My affinity for beer? Or how about my insatiable lust for Asian porn? Oh, you just had to bring up my love for Asian porn didn't you!?!?

Garrett Hohn said...

By the way Pa!, do you think I'd be the first political figure with an unhealthy love of the sauce? (cough Ted Kennedy)

Pa! said...

Thats true, all your vices could be seen as an asset by either major party......
As far as the statement "clearly there is something not right with the kid."
All I can say is I spent all of my 20's, most of my 30's, and a good portion of my 40's
Trying not to say things that would piss of my girl. They become less receptive if you know what I mean.

Colette Reid said...

G...I would take your pa's advice if I were you. And lets all PRAY that my mother doesn't read this one.

Garrett Hohn said...

Blaaa! Everyone, in some capacity or another, has insinuated that it would be in my best interest to stifle my mouth! So much for free speech.

Surely Kirk finds my ramblings amusing, though it seems his indentured servitude keeps him too busy to read this blog. How's working at the country store treating you buddy :)?

Kirk said...

Oh, I've been reading. Gotta remember, I used to work for the State Dept. in DC. I'm pleanty aware there is Freedom of Speech (and I'm a strong supporter of it)... however, one may wish to consider one's goals (life, not moment)... then review the purpose of the moments 'speech'. It is not that the Freedome of Speech was written to allow one to say anything at any time... rather to speak freely without being arrested/detained from doing such (up to 24 hour detainment allowed, unless you are a member of congress).


As for minding the store, and tending the wounds on the back from (corporate slavery/indentrued servitude), I'll be free soon enough, buddy. Thank you for the constant voice of encouragement. (more to come)

Kirk said...

On a personal note, I think the blog is great! I look forward to the read every day. There are few people with the balls/self-confidence to own who they are as a person. Most seek shelter in the masses of sheeple.

There are two things that don't mix well in a bar or in relationships... religion and politics. Speaking freely in either case will have either a fist in the face (while you are buzzed and not in peak fighting performance), or withheld physical appreciation of your relationhip!

My parents even say there are Three Times a Year when the other is not to cross the mid-point in the bed... when the Green Bay Packers play the Detroit Lions (Go Pack!), and Election Day.

Kirk said...

And Lastly,

Brilliant Poll!

Pa! said...

Kirk, Which parent roots for the Lions? They should get some sort of award for going above and beyond the call of duty in terms of loyalty.

Kirk said...

My step-dad is the Lion's fan. (from the U.P. (Upper Penninsula of Michigan)).

My mom and I are the Packer fans. 5 generations Wisconsin. And we have reason to support the Pack. We (the public) own the team. The only team as such in the NFL!

My mom just can't seem to accept a Lion or a Democrat on those three days. The rest of the year Jim suffers only the regular barbs.

Pa! said...

Is your step pa a fan of Da Yoopers?

Kirk said...

I love Da Yoopers! (Don't think Jimbo cares too much for them, though.)

When we were kids, we used to sing Da Yoopers' Rusty Chevrolet when we got in the station wagon.

And of course, there is still a great affinity for Tirty-point Buck!

Pa! said...

If Colettes mother does read this blog, I take no credit/blame for my Rogue sons views.
Well, maybe just a little.