If Jesus homebrewed.

At the risk of placing myself in harms way of "opinion persecution (close cousin to "religious persecution" though no one dies)," I can't stop with the religious posts. It's like that ultra wasted homeless person you see on the sidewalk that you can't pull your eyes off of. Yes you've seen drunker individuals but you've never seen a drunker individual with fewer teeth.

Speaking of public drunkenness, for anyone that hasn't visited the Northwest, you are missing out on some great beers. In fact, Oregon, Washington, Vermont and Montana are the 4 states that have more than 20 microbreweries per 1 million people. Is it coincidental that I have resided in three-quarter of those states?

So how did we become upon this wonderful swill? It just so happens that I was doing some light reading and stumbled upon a book entitled "The Bible: Cliffnoted version for Men." It basically covered all the cool parts like war, torture, booze and lustful women in a compact 88 page bathroom read. Did you think Eve's tree leaf was the only garment she had to wear? Much like modern women of today, she had closets full of garments she never wore! She only adorned the leaf because she knew it made for a bitchin' stripper's outfit.

For those not in the know, Jesus was on the business-end of many a great miracle. His impressive resume includes walking on water, turning water into wine, and perhaps most impressive, turning wine into wine coolers. Perhaps the biggest miracle of them all was the delicious, bubbly concoction he came up with which he referred to as "Beer." What's that? Can't find that part in your bible? He wanted to keep that on the down-low. He figured if the wrong people found out about how great his idea was he'd wind up pinned to a cross somewhere.

Talk about name brand recognition! Jesus actually has his own beer!

Though Jesus, the son of God, would most likely have access to the best beers of the world at the time, everyone knows that Jerusalem wasn't necessarily the hot-bed of micro brewing. Since grapes were a-plenty in the region, he reverted back to imbibing vino and banging wine guzzling Art majors by the dozens.

Reasons Why Beer is Better then Religion
(Someone far smarter than I came up with the list below)

1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
4. Beer has never caused a major war.
5. Beer is useful when you're down
6. Beer has been helping ugly people get laid for ages
7. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
8. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
9. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
10. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured for his brand of Beer.
11. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
12. You can prove you have a Beer.
13. Beer is useful: You can drink it.
14. A beer, drunk properly, is a social winner.
15. You can switch your brand of beer whenever you want without losing beer-drinking friends.
16. Beer helps you enjoy life, religion reminds you how shit people are.
17. Beer is a social lubricant, religion is a social inhabitant
18. Beer was instrumental in the formation of the American constitution. All but one of the people who signed the original constitution were brewers - the other was a malter.

If Jesus was alive today, he'd strike me as a PBR kind-of-guy.

"Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy" - Ben Franklin

More God/Jesus humor; the "Stuff God Hate's" blog. This guy is hilarious!

"Today I would like to talk about something I feel very, very strongly about - My deep and abiding hatred for women. Now don’t get Me wrong! I’m not a gay. Far from it. I’ve been a poon-hound ever since I first created poon. I get as much as I want, whenever I want."

- God from "Stuff God Hate's" blog on Women #7 on his list.