Wednesday, July 30, 2008

God Loves You ... Unless You're Gay :(

When it rains it pours. Only after a mere week had transpired after I completed the brilliant self-appreciating manifesto that took shape in the form of "If You Love it So Much Why Don't You Marry It?," I was sideswiped with something so amazing, I was unable to ignore it.

Normally when I see something funny I laugh out loud, smile and continue on downloading Valerie Bertenelli photos. Recently I was sent this amazing video.

Another classic!

Whether or not the second one is legit really doesn't matter. It has to do with an embarrassing body function and the clip clocks in at well under a minute.

But back to my main point. I was reading a blog about Hockey and recently an AHL team's has attempted to draw more attendance by offering Brett Farve a contract to play minor league Hockey. The team is from Des Moines and they are called the Iowa C.H.O.P.S. You know "chops," like the cut of meat? What the team didn't consider is that the acronym C.H.O.P.S is already taken by another group of people who go by the name Changing Homosexuals into Ordinary People. Seriously, you can't make this up! So in the name of responsible journalism, I had to investigate.

I'm not exactly a marketing genius but "God Hates Fags! Love Gods Way!" wouldn't be the way I'd go about spreading's kind and nurturing word. Regardless of marketing technique, I clicked on the menu link that said simply "Gay?" I had always been wondering but could never afford the at home test so I thought what better time or place to find out then this lovely website. I read each question aloud carefully and allotted myself 1 minute per question (this wasn't their requirements but when in doubt I always revert back to SAT test taking protocol, which ironically, is pretty gay)

Q1. "Are you struggling with undesired same-sex attractions?"
A1. I don't struggle with my love of Steve Yzerman thank-you very much! Aside from that "No."

Q2. "Have you been a Homosexual for a long time, but now are searching for a way out?"
A2. Define "a long time."

Anyways, turns out I'm not gay which, I suppose, is mantastic!

Donnie Davies, who is featured on the "God Hates Fags! Love Gods Way!," is a "reformed homosexual." Donnie attended church where his father was an Anabaptist preacher but always felt uncomfortable there because he always had impure thoughts about boys from school. Then Donnie found Jesus and the rest is history

So in an effort to help others rid themselves of homosexuality, he has started a program called C.H.O.P.S. According to Davies, C.H.O.P.S will, I shit-you-not this is a direct quote, "help you lose those unwanted pounds and unwanted urges at the very same time! Just ask our celebrity successes!" Celebrity successes? Who Clay Aiken? Lance Bass? Oh wait, he's actually gay.

He goes onto talk about Oscar Wilde.

"Oscar Wilde, my hero, was a reformed homosexual. He went to prison for his sins. Once he was alone with his thoughts, in jail, he saw the errors of his ways and repented. He died as a Christian. While I'm not advocating jailing all Homosexuals, I do think it would benefit them greatly. It would be for their own good. When a person is forced to think they will
generally be able to see their problems and solve them by themselves."

Prison?!? The penal (pun most definitely intended) version of "Broke Back Mountain"? Is sending thousand's of men to small chambers completely devoid of women the best way to rid these guy's of their man-on-man orgy lustfests?

Leviticus 18:22 says "Though shall not lay with mankind , as with woman kind." But Leviticus failed to mention anything about piggy-back rides! (ZING!)

There is absolutely nothing "gay" about the above logo

Love God's Way takes it a step further by helping parents, ministers, youth leaders and teachers (yeah, could you see me making this phone call?) recognize homosexual behavior "before it's too late." The website lists "safe bands" such as 2008 chart topping acts like Cyndia Lauper, Blondie and Cheap Trick. For what it's worth, I'd place my last 20 dollars on the fact that the chorus of "I Want You to Want Me" was actually a conversation held between two pant-less gay men in a bathroom stall at SFO. On the list of "gay bands" were the absurd; Rolling Stones and Frank Sinatra - I'd wager these boys laid more carpet than Wilt Chamberlain. The questionable; Metallica - So now spearing blood and semen together and making it your album cover, appropriately titled "Load," makes you gay? And the obvious; Elton John - So you're one out of three. The site went as far as to put the "(really gay)" denotation next to EJ's name. What do you expect from a guy that wrote a song called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"?

But Davies is no stranger to song writing. Listen for yourself.

With a chorus like "God hates fag's, if your a fag he hates you too," it's just a matter of time before this little ditty tops the Christian music charts. Perhaps someone in the Christian know can help me to verify this groups veracity. They are judging others and threatening non-entry into heaven, so in the vein of organized religion, it seems pretty legit. All I know is that the singer's got some major league pipes and I'm sure more than once this week, this song will be stuck in my head.

I kind of feel bad for the guy because we all are entitled to our opinions no matter how off base others may think they are (present readings excluded). He claims Myspace deleted his account, he's received threatening hate mail and people have been calling him from untraceable numbers claiming to be the Postal Service with various packages needing to be delivered. This leaves us with the question, what's a formerly gay-boy, that now hates gay-boys, to do?

(Davies may be a hoax, btw)


Kirk said...

Gravity free vomit?!? That was freaking awesome!!!
And that dweeb singing is a fruit. That has got to be a hoax. But what would the hoax be marketing for?... 'cause it isn't much talent in video, editing, voice, humor... maybe the geek is just a dweeb.

Dweeb. I haven't used that word in years. It just fit. What the hell is a dweeb, anyhow?

and if anyone has that tune gets stuck in your head, just play this:

Awesome. I can have this one stuck for days.

Garrett Hohn said...

This is ATLEAST the second "I Dream of Jeannie" reference Kirk has made.

While "I Dream of Jeannie" is catchy, and Barbara Eden is indeed a hot biscuit worthy of a belated "alert (equivalent to a "SCHWING!") , I'm going to stick with Led Zeppelin for the need-to-get-a-nasty-song-out-of-my-head-and-replace-it-with-a-good-one guys.

With that said, why is it that the sole FM station you can get whilst driving across the bible belt has only to do with the bible?!?! Seriously, not only that but they always seem to have to most amazing transmission range! 100 miles? Bla, that's for mortals. Let's crank up the watts and see if we can hit 250 miles and get normal people to kill themselves before they hit the state line.

Can I get a witness?

Pa! said...

I noticed the second reference(kirk's) also,
I'm willing to bet my lunch money there is a video hidden in the back of kirk's closet entitled,
"I wet dream of jeannie"
Any takers?

Pa! said...

To G,
And you thought your writing was "cutting edge"

Pa! said...

If the link doesn't work, do a yahoo search of:::
World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC

Kirk said...

Hey! It is NOT at the back of my closet... it is under my bed! And nobody knew about that DVD... !

Kevin said...

I'm fairly certain that if you asked God, he would say he hates that song in which Donnie Davies mocks Him, and that he doesn't hate fags. He hates their sin(being gay), but still loves them. Even God may have laughed at how stupid that song is though ;)