Arnold called, he wants his weighlifting record back.

I yield daily e-mails from my fans all across the globe. It seems that, much like the rock band Journey, I am huge in Asia. Content ranges from the asinine, "Garrett, this is your 19-year old college foreign exchange student neighbor down the hall from Japan, Hidaku. Anyways, I'm having a difficult time freeing myself from this constrictive lingerie. Can you help me?" Then there is the extremely complex. "Garrett, this is Al Gore. I'm having a bitch of a time figuring out what to do about this global warming issue." I already allowed him to take credit for the Internet I developed some years ago. I will, however, give him some credit for the naming. "Internet" is very chic and easy to remember. I don't suppose the world was ready for the moniker which I was to bestow this new invention: "Pornwire." Not to be outdone by Asia, the Nordic countries share a love of yours truly. "Hey Garrett, how is the weight lifting routine going." Love Annika, Sweden. Since it sounds like everyone is curious, I'll go ahead an expound.

My whirlwind adventures in Europe didn't exactly help me out in the strength department. It seems 5 weeks of beer, cheese and gyros didn't propell me up the "World's Strongest Man" rankings. However when one door closes, another somewhere else opens. Whilst in France, I didn't go "Boom-Boom" for several days because of the steady dose of exotic cheese. Everyone knows that your first "dookie" after an extended hiatus can serve for a spiritual awakening. Back in the states, the normally arduous task of hoisting my bulbous head off of the pillow in the A.M became near impossible. I had hit an all time low and it was time to get back into the gym. My first workout back in 5 months was brutal. I slumped over and blacked once in between sets (sadly, this part isn't a joke). My weight had ballooned to 181 pounds.

Fast forward to June 23rd, 2008. My day begins just like any other with Pug's snoring waking me up out of a deep slumber at around 9:30 a.m. I politely tell Pug to shut the fuck up and go about brewing up some Cinnamon Spice and Orange Peel Tea along with 3 servings of Grape Nuts. Nothing really clears your bowels like injesting your daily recommended intake of fiber in one sitting. I proceed to sit in my undies, slowly erode my teeth grinding on Grade Nuts, and peruse Craigslist ads for cars and "casual encounters." I don't find any vehicles worth looking at but I do see a WWW4M ad that piques my interest so I fire off an e-mail (gotta play to win right?)

The time is now 11:30

At the gym, I destroy my first 4 sets of bench press with reckless abandon adding 15 pounds to each set since the 6 weeks ago I had last performed 5 x 5. Now for the finally, the send-off, the cout de grate, the menacing 5th set. I stack the big boy plates (45 lbs) on the bar as if they were on going on a clearance sale, "I'll take 1 of these, 2 of those and 1 more for good measure." I sire the assistance of another gym goer, not necessarily to spot me, but to provide as a credibility witness when the Guinness Book officials come by. I begin mental preparation for a long war, there will be many causalities I said to myself, and pecs, you will be wailed upon without mercy. After all the mass graves were discovered, the war criminals were tried and Rambo vowed he was "expendable," I bench pressed a whopping 225 pounds ... 6 times! Not since the Thanksgiving of 2004 have I displayed such an amazing feat of strength and all at a very svelte and sexy 179 pounds!

So long story short, I am "back" in both figurative and literal forms. Some examples might be resurrected, exhumed from the grave, risen from the ashes, back from the light, whatever way you are most familiar with. This supernatural occurrence reaffirms what the world has long known about me for quite some time. Much like a fine wine, Garrett Ryan Hohn continues to get better with each passing year.