Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Arnold called, he wants his weighlifting record back.

I yield daily e-mails from my fans all across the globe. It seems that, much like the rock band Journey, I am huge in Asia. Content ranges from the asinine, "Garrett, this is your 19-year old college foreign exchange student neighbor down the hall from Japan, Hidaku. Anyways, I'm having a difficult time freeing myself from this constrictive lingerie. Can you help me?" Then there is the extremely complex. "Garrett, this is Al Gore. I'm having a bitch of a time figuring out what to do about this global warming issue." I already allowed him to take credit for the Internet I developed some years ago. I will, however, give him some credit for the naming. "Internet" is very chic and easy to remember. I don't suppose the world was ready for the moniker which I was to bestow this new invention: "Pornwire." Not to be outdone by Asia, the Nordic countries share a love of yours truly. "Hey Garrett, how is the weight lifting routine going." Love Annika, Sweden. Since it sounds like everyone is curious, I'll go ahead an expound.

My whirlwind adventures in Europe didn't exactly help me out in the strength department. It seems 5 weeks of beer, cheese and gyros didn't propell me up the "World's Strongest Man" rankings. However when one door closes, another somewhere else opens. Whilst in France, I didn't go "Boom-Boom" for several days because of the steady dose of exotic cheese. Everyone knows that your first "dookie" after an extended hiatus can serve for a spiritual awakening. Back in the states, the normally arduous task of hoisting my bulbous head off of the pillow in the A.M became near impossible. I had hit an all time low and it was time to get back into the gym. My first workout back in 5 months was brutal. I slumped over and blacked once in between sets (sadly, this part isn't a joke). My weight had ballooned to 181 pounds.

Fast forward to June 23rd, 2008. My day begins just like any other with Pug's snoring waking me up out of a deep slumber at around 9:30 a.m. I politely tell Pug to shut the fuck up and go about brewing up some Cinnamon Spice and Orange Peel Tea along with 3 servings of Grape Nuts. Nothing really clears your bowels like injesting your daily recommended intake of fiber in one sitting. I proceed to sit in my undies, slowly erode my teeth grinding on Grade Nuts, and peruse Craigslist ads for cars and "casual encounters." I don't find any vehicles worth looking at but I do see a WWW4M ad that piques my interest so I fire off an e-mail (gotta play to win right?)

The time is now 11:30

At the gym, I destroy my first 4 sets of bench press with reckless abandon adding 15 pounds to each set since the 6 weeks ago I had last performed 5 x 5. Now for the finally, the send-off, the cout de grate, the menacing 5th set. I stack the big boy plates (45 lbs) on the bar as if they were on going on a clearance sale, "I'll take 1 of these, 2 of those and 1 more for good measure." I sire the assistance of another gym goer, not necessarily to spot me, but to provide as a credibility witness when the Guinness Book officials come by. I begin mental preparation for a long war, there will be many causalities I said to myself, and pecs, you will be wailed upon without mercy. After all the mass graves were discovered, the war criminals were tried and Rambo vowed he was "expendable," I bench pressed a whopping 225 pounds ... 6 times! Not since the Thanksgiving of 2004 have I displayed such an amazing feat of strength and all at a very svelte and sexy 179 pounds!

So long story short, I am "back" in both figurative and literal forms. Some examples might be resurrected, exhumed from the grave, risen from the ashes, back from the light, whatever way you are most familiar with. This supernatural occurrence reaffirms what the world has long known about me for quite some time. Much like a fine wine, Garrett Ryan Hohn continues to get better with each passing year.

4 comments:

Kevin said...

I know what you're saying about that first visit to the gym after an extended hiatus. I got carried out on a stretcher the last time that happened to me. I'm assuming you've sobered up from your month-long celebration binge after your precious Wings conspired to Lord Stanley's throne. I ran into Jason Arnott at Target a couple weeks ago; he confirmed what I already knew to be true about the size of Stevey Y's yoohoo. That's right, for all those years, the Wings were being lead by a manchild with no ka-hohn-es. But what do you care. You're livin' the dream. Sleep all day, play all night, and rule the world from your desktop. Damn you Hohn, damn you...

Kirk said...

Nicely done. 225 x 5? Damn!

I've made it back to the gym for the first time in 10 months last week. Broken back be damned. I'm feeling good and it is time to get back to climbing, biking, surfing, and having some FUN!

I'm hitting it with an old workout plan... (I hate mass)... so, what are your thoughts on John Long's Workout From Hell?

http://stuff.mit.edu/afs/sipb/user/yandros/doc/TWFH.html

Feeling good right now and the physical therapy and massage twice a month is awesome now.

---
I've got the week off next week... my first days off since I joined Western Digital 10 months ago! It will be nice. No Idea where to go, yet. I was trying to get ot Singapore, but my passport didn't make it back in time. Ideas?

--

Lastly, why the hell do they call it Grape Nuts? They don't tast like grape! May as well call them flavorless chunks of Peach Gravel...

anyhow... have a kick-ass day.

Garrett Hohn said...

K-bone -
Why on earth would Jason Arnot know how big "The Captain's" penis was or was not? Did he catch a sneak peak in the lockroom? Doubtful. Yzerman doesn't shower with mortals.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9Pz0n5u0dGw

Doesn't this give you chills?! Doug Brown gets a few claps but people want to save their arms for Stevie Y. I love how he waits and waits and then, when it becomes obvious the crowd won't stop, he raises his stick sheepishly. Class at its finest.

If a guy wants to get a little misty-eyed, I'd recommend watching his #19 retirement. Makes me verklempt every time.

Garrett Hohn said...

Kirk - It was actually 6, but who's counting? :)

So good to here you're back to moving again. Not sure what I would do, or better yet how much weight I would gain, if I was out of the gym for that long.

Yeah, I agree with most of those theories the workout is based on such as 2 on / 1 off, periodization, approximate # of sets being 12-15 (workout should never last more than an hour). However 30 reps may be excessive. I would say stick in a pyramid set/drop set instead on your last set on a specific exercise. Perhaps alternate it with an iso metric set too (sparingly).

If you're interested, I can tell you about Bigger, Faster, Strong. I've never made faster or larger strength gains than being on this program. I'm still at featherweight status but the poundage I lift goes up every week.

Did I read that right? First day off since being at Western Digital? That's like several months in a row!