Sunday, June 15, 2008


Everyone always says that they wish they had a shot or pill that they could give to little kids that would keep them stuck at a certain precious age. Whenever someone says this, it's usually when they are around such a kid during that ever-so-brief 5 minutes window of time in which they are not puking or misbehaving; luckily I happen to have a a knee jerk quip in my head aimed and poised for immediate vocal expulsion.

For this exercise, you have to imagine those therapists with the ink blots.

Sample dialogue;
1. Person that thinks kids are great in reference to a 9-month-old child: "It's so amazing to watch how quickly little Billy is crawling. Soon he'll be walking!"

Dialogue in my head: "Yeah, walking will enable him to walk up to your yuppie leather couch you still owe money on and shit all over it rendering it worthless"

2. Person that thinks kids are great in reference to a 6-year-old: "I'm so excited for little Billy to start school so he can make lots of friends!"

Dialogue in my head: "I think you meant to say "so Little Billy can act as a host vessel for numerous yet-to-be-named communicable infections/diseases"

3. Person that thinks kids are great in reference to a 12-year-old: "Billy is just so darn smart that he is bored in school and the teachers aren't challenging him enough, that is why he acts out. Once corrected he will win a Pulitzer Prize"

Dialogue in my head: "the only thing that kid is going to win is a beat-down first day of 9th grade"

4. Person/Parent that thinks kids are great in reference to a 27-year-old: "I'm so excited my son Barrett is taking time out of his busy life to come visit his mom and dad in Montana!"

Dialogue in my head: "MOM! THE MEATLOAF! FUCK!"

Suffice to say, I don't necessarily consider myself "parent material." This isn't exactly cutting edge acumen, more so a realization, and more importantly, acceptance of self-perceived limitation. The way I see it, as soon as you have that kid, you relinquish control for roughly 18 years. You're letting the chips fall where they may, and more often than not, those chips will end up blaming you for their developed social inadequacies, not having the coolest toys and genetic defects. Of course, these 18 years will feel like an eternity in hell, this tragic play of life will be broken into numerous chapters characterized by the presence of crying and crisis, a brief interlude in which Junior wrecks your car, followed by a long drawn out conclusion that includes the absence of immanent worth and a life devoid of the desire to carry on. This timetable, mind you, is all arbitrary and could be plus or minus a couple of years depending on extraneous factors such as a severe handicap, the pursuit of a worthless master's degree in art, or, perhaps too importantly, whether or not the State wants to try Junior as an adult. If only more parents in this country would accept that they too would make inept parents, this world would be a better place or at least the well behaved kids would learn more in public schools. An alcolohlic friend of mine I had during my formative college years explained child raising as such, "why would I want to drag anyone else into my miserable life?" I believe he definetly has a point but talking about kids might be a moot point because I'm pretty sure I gave myself an inadvertent vasectomy "riding the pony" in my rec-league hockey days. But I digress. At the end of the day, what is better than someone who loves you unconditionally, requires little food, won't judge you because you are working (pun intended) on a full year of unemployment, and if you reprimand it too severely, won't going squealing to Protective Services? Ok, besides battered Vietnamese women, your other answer should have been "dogs!"

In an ever present quest to settle a debate once and for all, I giveth you RMAURTIGTTNSI's first "Dog-Off!" We have four contestants that I see on a regular basis. I will be your completely unbiased ring master/statistician. Let the games begin and be sure to vote.

Contestant #1:
Full Name: "Kooter-Bell"
Nickname: "Kooter" , "Stupid"
Affiliation: My parents dog

1. Dumb enough to confront a bear thus becoming bait and allowing you to make your getaway unscathed

1. Shits in the pickup bed on most drives down the road
2. Is an attention whore. She won't let you pet another dog without nudging her skull in between other dog and your hand.
3. Is a literal whore. Unwed mother to 8 offspring. She's been knocked up twice in the last 5 months. She's working on Michelle Duggar number's here.

Contestant #2
Full Name: "Sir Wilbur the Great"
Nickname: "Wilbur" , "Wilby" , "Wilbierto" , "Will-beast"
Affiliation: Mallard's dog

Wilbur in the middle of a sneeze

Never before seen "Zoolander" audition photo


1. Lightest contestant in the competition at 12 and three-quarter pounds
2. Does a great roll-over trick
3. Is wickedly enthusiastic over laser lights and incredibly fleet of foot
4. Can be held like a football
5. Lunged at a child's face once

1. Is a diva. Likes only certain people and only one dog I can think of (in the video)
2. Is fragile. Must be held carefully with 2 hands
3. Can't be picked up by lose body skin
4. Yappy, ear-piercing bark.
5. Tries to piss on me the first time I see him if it's been a long time. Actually pissed a little in my mouth when Nick pointed him at me once.

Contestant #3
Full Name: "Mayzee Grace"
Nickname: "Pug" , "Puggle-ton" , "Snortey Mc.Snorterson" , "Stupid" , "Alien" , (referring to it as not "he" or "she" but the indefinite article) "It" , "Fuckface" , "Fat-ass" , "Retard"
Affiliation: Colette's dog
1. Toughest dog ever! I thought I broke it's neck twice while rough housing with It only for It to get up, shake it off and come back for more.
2. Loves the laser light
3. Constant source of entertainment. Just looking at It makes me laugh!
4. Does a cool trick where Alien sits and stares at a piece of food for a minute before I snap my fingers signaling approval to eat.
5. Walks controlled on a leash under my strict tutelage (though this goes out the window when Colette takes over). I'm in the process of making Fuckface a service dog vest so we can go into grocery stores and government buildings together.
6. Can pick Puggleton up by any skin on it's body. Won't make a peep cause she knows snitches get stitches!

1. Eye fucks the shit out of me when I feel like being lazy and she wants to go outside
2. Sneezes and blows snot on windows and your face.
3. If Retard falls asleep before i can, Fatass's snoring can make it impossible for slumber to occur. I've actually, in the middle of the night, woken up, swore at it and threatened to stab it in the throat if it didn't shut-the-fuck-up. And I used to be such a nice guy.
4. Is absolutely defenseless and poorly designed. Seriously, has no snout, muffled bark, exposed anus, huge chested (swims poorly - see video), pea-sized brain.
5. It's curled tail means it has an exposed anus. This means that anytime it's sitting, it's O-ring is touching something you probably don't want it to. I don't even want to think of my pillowcase right now.
6. Voting for O'bama simply because she is black and so is he ... sort of.
7. Member of the NAACP. National Association for the Advancement of Colored Pugs.
8. Did I mention it's exposed anus?

Contestant #4

Name: "Darby"
Nickname: "Darbo"
Affiliation: Parent's dog
1. Good guard dog. Let's you know when someone is breaching the perimeter of the compound
2. Friendly and docile demeanor
3. Isn't needy
4. Noble looking w/ sage-like grey beard
5. Listens. This is more than I can say for any other dogs on the list.

Con's: None. Much like Nick Lidstrom's playoff performance, is completely flawless.

I realize that all the dogs on this contest were black. It wasn't "the man" pressuring the affirmative action thing, just purely coincidental.

Update: Last week, Kooter, a single mother and lifelong welfare recipient with little to no vocational skills, did the right thing and "took care of" her unborn fetuses. Yeah, she did what you think she did but worry not, no coat-hangers were harmed in the process.


Pa! said...

Since moving to Portland you have become just like the "Man" as there should be a box for "None of the Above".

Kirk said...

As much as I'd like to vote for Mayzee (or, since I could never remember that name, earned the title of Nibs from me, though stupid was an awesome handle, too) -- because that dog knows how to make me laugh, is obedient, and is not a yippie little POS -- I had to put my vote in for the real dog of the group, Darby.

The only other "none of the above" would be great for the dog that has all of Darby's assests, while also joining in on a Mtn. Bike ride or a good run. Frisbee catcher, too.

G-man, your line up reminds me of my father's line up. Darby and the dad's lab#1 seem very similar. I think I told you my dad's dogs names...
#1) Dee Eaux Ghee
(go ahead, say it... you'll understand) This dog reminds me of Darby.

#2) Spare Dog
aka: baby
Winner of the best handle.

Pa! said...

I'm a little disappointed, as I suspect 3 votes cast along partisan lines.

Garrett Hohn said...

I'm sorry father. I can't take anything you say seriously when I see your avatar. Substitute a mesh hat for the cowboy hat pictured, ketchup stain instead of dirt, and a bare chest instead of a leather vest and we've got you perched in front of the monitor.

Garrett Hohn said...

I immediately retract my former statement. (I just saw my avatar)

Pa! said...

I'm puzzled, that only one person has a fondness for the kooter?
(some of you are now under "suspicion")
I thought the blog author would have some kind words about the kooter, after all, he himself has a strong desire to drop a deuce "upper deck "
in a WalMart rest room.

Pa! said...

After reviewing the Blog, No one should be suprised at the results.

1 pro 3 neg 1 pic no prop Kooter
5 pro 5 neg 3 pic 1 vid Wilbur
6 pro 8 neg 1pic best prop 2vid Pug
5 pro 0 neg 1 pic w prop Darby

Art imatating life?

I see it this way.
Darby = Obama
Wilbur = McCain
Pug = Clinton
Kooter = Ron Paul