Tuesday, August 19, 2008


I feel that I have lived in Oregon more then long enough to form stereotypes about the people who reside here. Here are some of them.

1. Porltander's use Prius ownership likes it's a purple heart - The fact is you MIGHT get better fuel mileage then everyone else (the exception may be old CRX's, Metro's and the occasionally well tuned VW Rabbit). And contrary to their own belief, they are not holier than thou. Despite what your resident hippie down at Whole Foods may have told you, Biodiesel will not, and simply can not, save the earth. It is estimated that if every drop of waste vegetable oil was recovered from every domestic fast food joint and potato chip factory , we would only be able to defray 1% of the United States automotive fuel consumption. Until they, the automobile owner that is, can "shart" in their fuel tank and propel their vehicle for transit, they're still using fossil fuel. (Dare me to use the word "they" anymore?)

2. Gay men love me - Yes, you heard it here first gay men love the sight, smell, and apparently, sexual swagger of yours truly. Even when Colette, the ole lady, is with me they will look me from head to toe! Shameless, absolutely shameless! (but secretly loving every gay minute of it!)

3. Portland seems to be pretty anti-religion - This might have to do with the fact that I talk to about the same four people throughout my daily travels. In addition, I don't really see a lot of churches here. In a abysmal effort to substantiate my obviously lacking argument, Portland has the highest "titty bar per capita (my verbage not the Department of Tourism's of course)" in the United States.

4. Portland is O'bama country! - If you crawled up Barak's ass you'd find Oregonian's clinging blindly to the pages of "The Audacity of Hope."

5. Microbreweries - Don't get my wrong, Oregon has some stellar swill available. Deschutes and Widmer offer succulent choices that easily reside in my top 10 list. My issue with Portland beer consumers is they operate with blinders on. According to them, Deschutes, Widmer, and I swear to god I'll punch someone in the larynx if they actually say they like Bridgeport, are the absolute pinnacle of the brewing arts. These people will never pay homage to the likes of New Belgium, Alaskan or Big Sky breweries. I can hear them now, "Westmalle, what's that? Is that the trendy new overpriced bar on 23rd Ave.?" "No," I say with crushing disappointment, "It's only the greatest beer to grace this planet's surface."

6. Pedestrians are actually respectful of crosswalks and blinking hand signals. There is nothing more infuriating than some jackass who walks blindly in front of a car "just because he can." I think those little bike murals on the side of the road got into some peoples head because you don't really see that out here.

Bikers on the other hand ....

There is also the humorous story about a drunken bicyclist, who ironically works for the Portland Department of Transportation, that took exception to a motorist using the road ways. His next course of action you ask? Like any level headed thinking person in an inebriated state, he raised the bike above his head and struck the driver and then the driver's car with his bike.

7. It's fucking expensive here - 800 dollars a month for 400 sq ft of apartment per month? "Trendy" Northwest Portland is damn near on par with Maui rental prices. Yeah, that makes sense. This explains the homeless problem. For what it's worth the homeless in Hawaii were 100 times cooler then the ones here. Which brings me to my next point ...

8. "Can you spare some change?" - Shit! I can't walk down the street without being accosted by people asking me for "change" (don't confused this "change" (money) with the other "change" (bullshit) the O'bama folk talk so enthusiastically about). "Fuck home-skillet, I'm on a budget too dawg!" is what I say to them. Just kidding. I'm not nearly that clever to tell them that, instead I tell them there is a soup kitchen on Burnside St.! Nope, not ballsy enough to say that either.

I've seen this one fellow, oh I'd say early twenties wiry young son-of-bitch, most likely capable of much heavy labor, panhandling on the block which we reside for a steady four months now. He's always a new story; need money for the bus, money for food, etc. None the less, even during this nations recession, he's managed to upgrade his wardrobe considerably during this period of time while my sorry ass is making a steady habit out of buying nearly expired/price reduced meat at the grocery store before close. Portland I leave you with these words of wisdom;

"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man how to apply for welfare, get in line at the soup kitchen, and furthermore, beg on the street corner, he eats for a lifetime."

- new American proverb
- G.Hohn

Back Smacker


Kirk said...

Have you seen the South Park episode: Smug Alert?
The Youtube clip sucks, so watch the episode if you can. One of the great moments is when, after being so smug for driving the "Pious", they start to smell thier farts... because thier farts don't stink anymore.

These all tie into your facination with odd cars. Garrett -- do you want a mini cooper? It seems the stylish merger of the Smart Car and the Prius.

Oh, and I hear you on the expensive part of living near the ocean. 2200 a month (2bdrm) for a run down place is common here in SoCal. I rented a room in a house for a couple years... $850/mo. for the room alone!

At least the beach here is warm enough and close enough to the desert that the homeless are comfortable. Nothing like the Hawaiians, though! There is it all low hanging fruit! If one really had to, in HI, I bet a person could get by with shorts, shirt, and a blanket... for a few years! Absolutely no cash. Well, begging for some change to get some beer. One cannot live on bread and water alone!

and as for beer, get your hand on the following:
Schnieder Weisse
Leffe Tripple
Crazy Ed's Chilli Beer


Garrett Hohn said...

For whatever reason my South Park fix website, allsp.com, link to "Smug" is down but that clip was hilarious you referenced.

"it will be a disaster of epic proportions; the perfect storm of self-satisfaction"

Colette and I discovered a joint that has 3 dollar Leffe Brunnes. Bad ass indeed-y. I'll keep a look out for the other beers!

I'm a big fan of the mini 1000's. Old school. This guy on Maui had one and it also happened to be right-hand drive! What are the odds? My ultimate small car hard-on goes to the BMW 2002's. Do you know anyone looking to get rid of a cherry 76 that is also looking to gain a left nut?

Kirk said...

ahh... try this link. BMW 2002 '76

Keep the left nut for your right hand.