Monday, October 1, 2007

Festering viral blister ... relax ladies, it was on my back.

So, I woke up last night and was like, "wtf is the middle of my back tender?" One of the several issues associated problems with have a severely disproportioned torso is being unable to reach a good portion of your back. The only other person afflicted with this debilitating syndrome is my sister. Mel and I sat down at our weekly meeting a couple months ago and sussed out a list of hurdles we endure in day-to-day living.

1. Aesthetics - this is pretty obvious. Ok, so my t-shirt comes up above my belly button. So what.? You don't have to stare and you certainly don't have to sire the eye balls of everyone around you to heckle and ridicule. Fuck you and your buy-off-the-rack pretension!
2. Increased difficulty performing a squat - If you have ever witness anyone perform a squat that has a long torso, you know it is awkward at best and can be best likened to an accordion being played.
3. Back problems - Problems not unlike the ones that Dachshunds have been dealing with for centuries.
4. Not being able to reach all the parts of your back. No explanation needed.

Don't have a pity party for Mel and I just yet. We are applying for disability as we speak.

But I digress. This post isn't about daily discrimination I face, nay, that's far too obvious. Instead, this disability has caused me to endure my most recent plight. Awaken from my slumber and unable to alleviate my worried mind, I tossed and turned until I was able to solicit medical attention this morning from ... my mother.

I showed her my back and she was immediately concerned. Possible culprits that she cited were a boil, pimple, wart, flesh eating spider bite, and I don't know where this one came from but
, STD. After I assured her that this absolutely wasn't a wart, we further narrowed down the list with everyones favorite doctor - the internet.

Refusing to heed published wisdom, father and I decided the best course of action was surgery. Not ones to half-ass anything, we took all the necessary precautions. We learned from Rambo II that in order to properly sterilized a surgical instrument, be it a Rambo knife, needle, or prison shiv you need to apply fire. After instrument sterilization was preformed we prepped the area with peroxide and a piece of bounty that more mimicked a dental damn than anything medical.

Anyways, you can see that it didn't look like a pimple. It didn't excrete anything puss-like just a little blood. So, at this point we are at an impasse.

I've got nothing on this guy though!


golden said...

ha... oh garrett
my favorite part is that you used a paper towel for your "sterile dressing" and that you were laying across your dad's lap (ok two favorite parts). anyway i hope it's getting better. ps maybe it's a boil. heat usually helps those.

n hohn said...

that was some story you wrote. hope this gets through too you.