Friday, May 1, 2009

Balls Deep: The "what's chapping my ass" post!

They say that everyone has a honeymoon period when they move to another country. I've tried to be as even keel as possible, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Little high, little low will you let me go home" to quote the late great, and really ridiculously gay, Freddie Mercury. It's difficult to ride in the middle of the emotion road when living aboard seems to put you through more mood swings than a pregnant lady. I'm not going to lie and say that days 1-60 were easy. Now I'm starting to feel like I'm getting it down (that or I've been systematically desensitized).

I want to be clear that I am indeed enjoying my time out here but the longer you stay in a place that isn't home, the more certain things are bound to chap your ass. This is simply a cumulative diary of things that have pissed over the course of the last 6 months. Drum roll for the bitch-fest please.

1. Fucking post office tries to deliver my package one time while I was at work and they sent it back to the States? WTF? I bet they tried to deliver it at some ridiculous time like 2 p.m. "Rich man gets off work, then buys stereo. Not after fucking brunch!" - Mooj, "40 Year-Old Virgin"

2. Fucking co-teachers are always asking, "You look really tired. You have bags under your eyes. Are you ok?" Shit, I'm fine though I'd probably sleep a hell of a lot better if I didn't have MTV spring break 08 walking under my apartment window at 2 a.m. Also, what the hell is with the 6:15 am construction? On a side note, I'd probably look a little more refreshed if my face was on the business end of a puddy knife and some drywall spackle like these ladies, but as a man, I don't have that option.

3. Fucking dudes pulling there girls in tighter when I walk by. Seriously? Do you really think us "western men" want to have sex with your girlfriend? Assuming I did, with the hours I teach at school, and my refractory period, I couldn't possibly have sex with more than 25% of the girls here in my free time. And if we are being candid, as I think we are, I'd probably start with your dead-ringer for Margaret Cho last.

4. Fucking dudes talking about me in the locker room. It sucks. I want to know what they are saying, but since there isn't a straight across Korean translation for "donkey penis", I gave up trying. But that stopped after the first month.

5. Fucking dudes NOT talking about me in the locker room after the first month. WTF? First I was big shit now I'm old news? I just don't get it. What am I doing wrong?

6. Fucking Christians accosting me! I'm done being nice about this whole thing. Now if someone asks where I am from on the street, I ask them if they are going to try and convert me to a specific religion and, if so, this is the end of our conversation.

7. Fucking no one tells me anything over here when it involves pertinent details! "Hey Garrett, want to play guitar at a festival?" what they failed to mention was there would be well over a thousand people there!

8. Fucking Korea is devoid of Mexican food. Perhaps I should rephrase. Masan is devoid of Mexican food. Anyone want to send me some cilantro and black beans?

9. Fucking pick a side of the sidewalk to walk on. What the fuck? My personal favorite is the complete obliviousness when it comes to space surrounding them that some Koreans have. In Japan, people line up on the left (left hand drive country like the UK) and the people that want to walk up faster simply move to the right to pass. This, and I believe most people would tend to agree with me on this one, is a really efficient method to moving large groups of people in an orderly fashion. In Korea, however, this is a difficult concept to grasp as people are just strewn about the escalators with some facing backwards for whatever reason.

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