Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Every guy has it though most aren't aware of its existence until the skill is called on a shockingly frequent basis. It's basically the sixth sense you didn't know you had. It's the "someone is staring at my dong" sense.

I've grown accustomed to the stares in the gym and the jimjil bangs. In terms of penis, to the readers of this blog whom hasn't seen my penis (I think 10 have, 5 haven't), I've really got nothing to write home about. "Average western dong" is the term used most often by women who, in various moments of weakness and extreme vulnerability, were gracious enough to sleep with me. But my American made 1980 standard drive penis equipped with DUHC (Dual Under Head Cojones - for the non-gear heads) penis is the equivalent of a Mustang Shelby out here in Korea. Most of the time, the dudes out here operate with the "catch and release" credo when it comes to glances at my unit. Look at it, "catch" about a seconds worth and then "release" eye contact. I'm cool with this. I kind of have to be because if I wasn't, I would have left this peninsula a long time ago. To return the favor, I'll glance back and 100% of the time I'll think "sucks to be Asian."

So whilst at the bus station bathroom, when a man locked on with his peepers from three urinals down, I paid little mind. But then the seconds began to tick in my mind. Three seconds became four, four became five, and as if an eternity had lapsed twice, a full eight seconds had ticked off my internal clock. "Really?!" I thought to myself. Sick of being sexually objectified (I now know how it feels ladies and I am currently writing a form letter to mass apologize to any and all women I have wronged with merely my glassy stare), I did what any irrational western man in my situation would do. I stared right back

Much has been made of how to react in these situation. Typically, it never goes this far. Most times the slightest movement will send the perpetrators eyes back to neutral non-threatening grounds. Assuming that doesn't work, making eye contact is the defacto coup de grace.

I slowly turned my eyes, which were looking straight ahead in case anyone is looking to brush up on urinal etiquette, straight into his eyes. His eyes, both of which were intently gazing at my dong, made their way up my torso and finally to my face for which they stayed for an agonizing five seconds.

Try to stare at someone's, anyone's, genitals for a full 8 seconds. I dare you. It's excruciatingly long. Don't believe me? Rumor has it the movie "8 seconds", in which Luke Perry starred in the 90's, originally wasn't about bull riding at all. Nay, the movies initial premise was staring at a vagina for 8 seconds. Perry refused and a major script rewrite ensued. If you watch an old 90210 episode, and take careful notice as to how Dylan looks in Brandon Walsh's eyes, you will realize why Perry backed out and the awkward meet ups at the "Peach Pit" will make a lot more sense. But seriously, even if it's your best friend from cub scouts, your youth pastor, or the stripper at "Jiggles", it's really terrifying. Now imagine it's a complete stranger, in a foreign country, at a dirty bus station bathroom. The way this man stared at me you would have thought he was the sole witness to the Lochness monster climbing out of the Han River.

A bit on the shaken side, I shook off and zipped up and made my way to the sink. Thinking the situation was all but over, I relaxed and began to wash my hands. The pervert followed suit and walked to the sink next to me. While my hand were occupied with the soap and the running water, trying to cleanse my soul starting first with my hands, the peeping Tom made the boldest of bold moves. His hand ever so slowly made its way to my ass and began to rub it! I couldn't believe it! This time I nearly gave myself whiplash swinging my head left in order to make eye contact. It's probably to no ones surprise that he was displaying the most perverse and mischievous of grins. "NO!" was the only word that came out of my mouth. I tucked and ran without drying my hands. Only in Korea.


Kirk said...

Question: "Really?!"
Answer: "Really."

Yep. Definately one for the memories. Catch a couple of those moments in life, and you come to realize that the only answer is "Really."

The thing I've come to realize (about those that stare) is most people have self confidence issues. Freud was right. Coming from Montana, you've a healthy sense of self confidence. Most people lack self confidence. Really.

But about grab assing (or ass rubbing)!!!!!! F__K NO! That is way off.

I mean, I've been known for watching God's greatest toy... boobs... many, many, many, many, many! a-time. (agreed, catch and release.) But just because I see some boobs doesn't mean I reach out and rub her butt.

Average boobs or Triple EEE knockers are all boobs. (And I think the greatest are the C's. -- again, sucks to be Asian.) (and I know about the male equivolent. I've two brothers from Thailand, and a porn-star buddy.)

The question comes... what about those countries where staring ey-to-eye is normal? What is the "stare-someone-down" equivolent?

Do you know how to say "f__k-off, S.O.B." in Korean yet?

American-made SUV w/ DUHC

Garrett Hohn said...

Yeah Kirk,

After this happened, I thought you'd probably have an equivalent in terms of story. Maybe my staring back at him was a green light of sorts. I guess we will never know.

It's all good though as it seems the moment I become comfortable, something comes along to jostle my moorings. Everyone needs their moorings jostled from time to time right?


I don't know how to say "fuck off" yet but I do know "stop it!" but sadly telling someone to piss off in my bastard tongue was about a million miles away at that juncture.