Life on the road - Pt.1

Dictionary.com describes the term “road trip” as “a journey via automobile, sometimes unplanned or impromptu” There are few better ways to clear the mind and rejuvenate the soul then a road trip. The mind and body sometimes must endure great stress in preparation and execution of a road trip. I’d be lying to you if I told you that I haven’t pulled over immediately after crossing a state line in sobs of joy after beating a personal record. Have you ever been irate at yourself after a route miscalculation that cost you 3 miles and perhaps a personal record?!?! Have you ever pissed in a bottle while driving to save time? White knuckles and a sweat drenched seat are standard fare. Maybe that wasn’t sweat after all. Anyways, at the end of the day, err end of the road trip, complete expenditure is overcome by glee and utter exhilaration. If you have answered "FUCK YES BITCH!" to any of the previous questions, then you my friend have been "blitzkrieg road tripping."

Now that we went over the healing powers of a road trip it is important to cover why man chooses the trip of the road.

Reason 1. The manifest destiny in all of us says, conquer new land, see new things, oppress new people. I say travel the road less ventured even if it is full of construction and pot holes and over priced SUV's.

Reason 2. Sometimes it is necessary to commute in order to make a dollar or two. I believe Confucius said this as he played drug mule to a couple of kilos of opium crossing China. Weather you drive a produce truck or you drive a car across the state line to make a buck, drive with dollar signs in your thoughts

Reason 3. For a piece of ass. Little to no explanation is needed here.

One reason is reason enough for a young chap to embark on a road trip. If a guy is lucky enough, he might be able to combine two out of the three reasons. Once in a lifetime, if he’s wicked lucky, will a young lad cash in on 3 out of 3. If this happens to be you, then the road trip gods are smiling upon you. I was once so lucky … ah the road trip of ’04.

Sadly, there was no ass at the end of this asphalt rainbow. Instead, a pro bono run was in order. Now before you call me Mother Theresa, I was rewarded with a small bounty for hauling lumber for the Amish (no, hauling lumber isn’t an Amish euphemism for gay sex). Laid haphazardly atop “little red’s” gaunt frame were various pieces of furniture. It was only 10 miles down the road before I encountered a situation that required my immediate attention. After the load was reassembled and secured, I meandered further but not without grieving a fallen comrade.

This is Footstool. Footstool was born in Rexford, Montana August 18th and died in Rexford,Montana August 25th. Even though Footstool lead a short life by traditional standards, his contributions to the advancement of human laziness will undoubtedly be never forgotten.

R.I.P Footstool

2007 - 2007

What the road trip lacked in abundant fiscal compensation it more then made up for in scenic beauty. I was able to take a route to Idaho I had never driven before. For those of you that haven’t been to Idaho, let me fill you in on some of the pertinent details. Idaho is an interesting place. For instance, did you know that 1/3 of the potatoes produced by the U.S comes from Idaho? What Idaho lacks in employable professions, intelligent people and decent looking women it more then makes up for in beautiful scenery and seething racism.

Only in Idaho could you potentially raft a river, go rock climbing and attend a Klan rally.

Here is a tale of the tape: Montana vs. Idaho

1. State geography physical features

Montana – Looks like a face

Idaho – Kind of looks like a penis

Don't see the resemblance? A little handy work in Microsoft Paint should help you out.

Advantage = Montana. The mere sight of Idaho on a map makes me giggle (and now it should make you giggle!) but Montana’s state shape makes for kick ass belt buckles and beer bottle openers. This leads to the next one ….

On any given day the ladies in MT/ID are …

Montana – “drinking heavily and fornicating promiscuously”

Idaho – “pickin’ banjo’s and flossin’ TOOTH!”

Advantage – Montana. "Drinking heavily" suspiciously leads to the next one.

Chief Exports

Montana – Teenage pregnancy

Idaho – Ignorant people

Advantage = Idaho. If there is something I dislike more than ignorance it’s probably bastard children. Montana wins 2-1.

My road trip accolades are legendary and no expansive speech is necessary. Yet, in order to save the blog readers the suspense, I will go ahead and post comments I have received.

Some derelict living under a rock – “Hey man, I was at a bar where there were two NASCAR drivers talking about you and how you put in a 1251 mile day, by yourself, sans pit crew. They said something about aspiring to be a tenth of the athlete that you are. Is that true?!”

Me – “Yes it is 100% true on both accounts. I did put in a 1251 mile day. Do you not get network television? I thought everyone knew that. Second, NASCAR drivers are less then 10% the athlete I am.”

Next adoring fan please

Hot Swedish twins – “Hey it’s us. Is it true that you don’t listen to any radio whilst you road trip. You said, and to quote the Rolling Stone article I read about you, “I allow my mind to be unbridled by the annoyances of the outside world, namely talent less emo-rock. It is in this perfect Zen that I will harness the perfect material to yield the perfect blog.” Oh, and lastly, did you get the naked pictures we sent?”

Me - "What most people don't understand is that I tend to enter this trance like state when I competitively drive (I also refer to it as both CLDT = Competitve Long Distance Travel or ERT = Extreme Road Tripping). The only thing that shakes me from this trance is vehicular malfunction, Panda Express and/or the culmination of the aforementioned road trip. And yes ladies, the pictures look fantastic. Tackar sa Mycket.

But again, I digress. What made this road trip fun/different was that I didn't have to drive to win. For once, I stopped to take in the sights. Here are some of the highlights of my trip.

Coming out of Missoula in the A.M, I nearly passed up this little gem. The only shame about this picture is I didn't man up and pull this prank when I was a young punk attending the University of Montana. Believe me. I thought about pulling this prank several times.

Here you see your average muffler business. The sign says, "The Muffler Bandit: Mufflers, Tail Pipes, Custom Bending." I apologize for not getting a closer shot of this sign but I was laughing to hard because just moments before I passed this!

Seriously. It's pretty much a victimless crime. The best part is it only required a screwdriver, most likely a decent amount of alcohol and undoubtedly a big pair of nuts.

Here is a town I passed in Idaho. It's called Ellis and the population is this building.

Talk about F'n beauty! This is Stanley, ID.

On a drastically more pathetic note, this is my friend "The Professor's" refrigerator. It's quite sad. Pay particular attention to the fact that he has a fish oil supplement on the top shelf because clearly, judging by the food that he consumes, he is into his healthy eating. In addition, he also has baking soda. Is this to keep the tallboy of Budweiser fresh?